What is: Effective Communication

-Library-

A master asked his disciples: 
‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’
The disciples thought for a while, and one of them said
: ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’ 
‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you? ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’ 
The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally he explained: 
‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the master asked:
 ‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

And he concluded: 
‘When they love each other even more, what happens? 
‘ They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.

‘Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’
 
 (Unknown Author)

When I ask you to listen and you start giving me suggestions, you are not doing what I am asking.

When I ask you to listen and you start telling me why I should not feel the way I feel, you are stepping over my sensations. 

When I ask you to listen and you think you have to do something to solve my problems, you disappoint me.

As strange as it can seem…

Maybe that is why prayers work for many. Because God is mute, he does not suggest, he does not try to fix things. Simply, he listens and knows you will solve your things by yourself. So please, hear and listen. And if you wish to speak, wait for your turn and I promise that I will be listening. (L.Buscaglia, La coppia amorosa, Mondadori, 1995)

Anybody who has ever been in a relationship said or heard the sentence “Why you don’t understand me?” This question should be changed into: “How do we build a relationship based on reciprocal understanding?” Realizing what is effective communication is the key to build a better relationship.

To understand does not mean to agree, because it is possible to perfectly understand the other’s point of view, without agreeing with it.

To understand does not mean to give up, on the contrary, the more we can understand and know a person, the more we can be trusted, the easier will be to “sell” our ideas.

But to understand is necessary to be able to listen. We all think we can do that since we are born, but most of us are actually pretty bad at it.

Not be able to listen is the biggest cause of arguments in a couple. During an argument it often happens to not really pay attention to the other’s words, because we are mentally busy preparing an answer.

Active listening means to manifest real interest for what the other person says with words and with non-verbal communication. In Active listening the mind and the body are protruded towards the other, and this allows us to understand the reasons behind a word or an action before to judge or to feel offended or hurt. Basically to listen each other helps to understand each other, and therefore to love each other more.

Author: Roberto Cavaliere, Psychotherapist

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