How Depressed People Think

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hi, It is 3 years that I am in a relationship with a man that suffers since about 10 years of depression and anxiety disorder. He is continuously drowning in his guilt feelings, he does not give any importance to himself or to his existence.

He often speaks about suicide, and, according to him, he would like to die. He alternates hyperactivity periods with ones of complete apathy.

Without any explanation or apparent cause, he passes from being extremely happy and joyful to being depressed and wanting to die. Even when he has been cured with drugs the situation did not improve. He feels always bad.

Now, though, this is affecting me too. 

He told me: “you look for happiness and joy, you would not be happy with me, look for someone that is less complicated.”

I did not answer. I took time to think. I would like to understand, and I ask help to you.

Is he asking for help, or he wants to be left alone? How does a depressed person think?

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Simona, it is interesting that you ask about “his” mind, that you want to know “how does a depressed person think”, and you say nothing about yourself.

It is 20 years that I am a psychotherapist and I have to confess you that I do not know. I do not know how does a depressed think, because before to be “depressed”, or “euphoric”, or “paranoid”, or “psychotic”, etc.. we are all human beings, and therefore unique. 

So I do not know what or how does he think, I should meet him to know it. And I do not know how to diagnose his depression either (if it is really depression.) Is it reactive? Does it have biological origins? Is it the “down” of the borderline disorder? Is it caused by something buried deep in the past, or it is an existential crisis? I do not know. If I do not speak to him, if I do not see him, if I do not meet him, I do not know.

You ask if he wants to be left alone or if he is asking for help..I do not know. Maybe both. I am sorry that I cannot be more reassuring in a moment in which you clearly need some certainty, but what I think you should do is to move the “subject” of your sentences from him to you.

What do YOU want to do? How do YOU feel with him? What void does his presence fill and what ghosts does he awake? Why did YOU accepted, during these 3 years, to be with a “depressed” person, since this clearly does not help your self-esteem? To understand what does he think, you should first realize where are you in this situation. You should also ask yourself what do you think not only of him and your relationship, but also of your life and what do YOU want to do with it.

My best wishes.

Answer:

Livia Tedaldi, Psychotherapist

Question:

Simona, 22 years old

Publication date: 11/07/2007

For more informations on the topic, check out the article Is Depression a sickness?

Check out the original article here