The fear of judgment

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hi, my name is Mark and I am 30 year’s old. My problem is this: my mood depends almost entirely on the behavior that other people have in my regards. If I notice detachment from them, I immediately think that they are mad at me. My reaction to this is a strong depression (it is 7 years that I take drugs for depression and panic attacks). I have a strong fear of judgment.

If I think that someone is mad at me, I create any excuse to come in contact with that person as soon as possible because I feel an unavoidable need to understand the reasons of their anger or if that anger that I perceived is actually inexistent. All of this creates a chain mechanism that sometimes annihilates me for days (for example if it is Friday and I cannot see that person until Monday.) I lay down on my bed and I keep thinking about it all the time. Obviously I do not reach any conclusion. In this way, I am destroying my life and myself.

I cannot find joy, enthusiasm, and energy to do my daily stuff anymore. The future of my days is strictly linked to the mood and the behavior towards me of the people around me. I cannot live in this situation any longer, I feel oppressed and “driven” by someone that is not I.

Help.

Answer:

Mark,

I see that you are asking for help, but you do not really formulate any specific question. I am not sure what do you need to be helped. You say that you have a strong fear of judgment. What I see is that you have clear ideas on your situation. The description that you give is lucid and rational. You are in a depressive state that makes you feel like “in a cage”, you cannot see the exit. There is no way out! That is what the panic attacks are telling you. And somehow it is like that. You live everyday based on others, what others think about you, what they do, their expressions, their behavior, etc. You are always living outside of yourself, and surely influenced by someone that is not you. You survive thinking about what you think is the other people’s judgment about you. In this way you are out of yourself, you gave your power out forgetting your entire world that gets inevitably neglected.

Of course this has its advantages! The most obvious is that you are busy, you fill your mind, and you have something “else” to think about. Apparently to think about others, or through others, creates less pain and responsibility than doing it directly.

You must be very strong! You need a lot of strength to survive in this condition. It is a shame that this energy gets used in such a destructive and painful way. Imagine what you could do or you could feel if you would use this energy for yourself! First of all working on your situation, to change old mechanism and put yourself on the podium, at the center of your mood and your world. This implies putting yourself at the center of your pain, but also of your joy! In fact you, living outside of yourself, do not know the real taste of life and the joy that exists in it. You live constantly annihilating yourself, even though from your words I can see a deep need for love and relations. In fact, what you fear the most is the detachments from others and their judgment, almost like if their love was vital for your existence.

You said that you are taking anti-depressants since 7 years, but as you can see the drugs are not enough to modify the situation you are in. Drugs dull the symptoms, but they are often not enough to modify your life. To do so you need to start a journey in your emotional world, supported by an expert psychotherapeutic guide.

Mark, I am not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, if it is what you expected asking for help. Mine can seem like a simple and banal answer. Surely, it is not easy to take the situation in your hands. It is hard, and I mean it, to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and to drop the victim’s benefits. There is only one way: find your center! There are no shortcuts or easier ways.

I wish you a good journey.

Answer:

Sabrina Costantini, Psychotherapist

Question:

Mark, 30 year’s old

Publication date: 01/17/2007

If you were looking for panic attacks or anxiety related topics read about What is Anxiety Disorder?

Check out the original article here