Loneliness in Relationship

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Question:

Dear Doctor Zampiron,

I ask genuinely for you to take a look at a husband that repeatedly visited sites from swingers to those for homosexual regardless of consequences. Every time that I discover him continuing this foul act he assures me that it is only a virtual contact and he promised me he would not do it again… but instead he repeatedly violates this promise. 

He tells me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am very disappointed that I lost trust; I feel nothing besides full of rage. From one of your TV interviews, you’ve said that it is necessary to communicate but I continue to ask for clarifications while he stays in deep silence in a way that it offends me. 

I am known to be an intelligent person that since the first offense, I tried to have an open mind without being judgmental. Please help me because I want to save this relationship… to the point that I would like to have a direct consultation. Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Stella,

I understand your delusion and the rage that you have when you knew, when you realized and feels “loneliness” in a couple’s relationship. I am on the understanding that, the most important aspect for a good, complete, satisfying, and serene communication between people is principally based on the ability to listen openly for comprehension and to support each other in case of great difficulties. 

It is necessary that between the people themselves to stabilize a relationship based on trust and on security and the transparency in certain situations when it comes down to feelings and emotional experiences. 

In this case, the person who is betrayed of trust and transparency of feelings usually suffers from rage and delusion from the offense, the betrayal that is received from the other.

Rage, delusion, and betrayal comes, like this, lives in even and especially in the relationship of couples when the emotional stability, for some reason, needs to change. Referring to your situation, Stella, I can deduce that your husband, while loving you, discovered an interest, a sexual desire that he wants to satisfy but he is ashamed or have negative feelings and emotions within himself. 

These can be the main reason for your partner to act through denying the problem itself and not allowing for a cleared and transparent conversation with you on this topic, compromising instead the stability and the feelings of the relationship between a couple.

Best wishes.

Answer:

Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist

Question: 

Stella, 42 years old

Publication Date: 02/16/2009

Check out the original article here

Fear of the Dark

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Question:

Dear Doctors,

I really need help! I am 22 years old, an age too old to be afraid of the dark I would say!

I am thinking for my future, of when I have to go and live alone… I can’t constantly be going around with a torch in my pocket! Every time that the lights go away, I begin to cry, becomes frightened, and I sit on the floor and possibly with my back to the wall. 

I become incapable of moving.. not even to go look for a torch or a candle! I am afraid that there is someone or that someone will enter. When I go around the house, I need to first turn on the light before entering the room. And if I turn off the lights in the room that leads into my bedroom, 

I always look over my shoulders because I am worried that someone is following me. I must always sleep with a little light (unless there is someone else near me that makes me feel safe) and with my back to the wall! I am already constantly frightened, but it triples if I have bad dreams!

What can I do? Is there a therapy good enough to take away this phobia?

Thanks for the Help!

Answer:

Yes dear Valentina, There is.

Because you see, fear is not something that happens and that’s it; it has deep roots and always a meaning for us and for our life. You can say that it is the way that our consciousness, when it’s not heard, expresses itself. Of course that at times it will make us uncertain, we don’t understand it and we can’t find a reason that explains it all, but that is how it functions. 

Fear serves as your defense. From who? Well… this is what you must find by yourself because no one else can tell you: only you can understand it with some help from a professional that can give you the tools to help you succeed.

It’s not easy to simply take away the fear of the dark, because In this case you could be not afraid of the dark anymore but immediately become terrorized by seeing a dog, or entering into an elevator, or in a million of other situations that can project your fears. 

Try to understand why you’ve chose (unconsciously) this type of defense and why you’ve expressed it in this way and how can you overcome your fears. But remember that we cannot disregard or throw away a defense before understanding what it serves… or we can find ourselves in worse danger! So dear Valentina, I believe it is time to think about getting help also because at 22 years old, it is much easier than how much you believe.

I wish you the best. 

Answer:
Livia Tedaldi, Psychologist 

Question: Valentina, 22 years old
Publication Date: 03/31/2006 

Check out the original article here 

A workaholism problem

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Question:

Hi, I just found out about work addiction. I realized that I am unable to stop working after the end of my word-day. I always go around with work folders to complete, even at home. I am unable to just sit down and chill without doing anything, I am always busy doing something for someone else, and always frustrated, because I do not receive the expected gratifications.

So, after my 3-weeks vacation, I am filled with projects about leaving my job soon, and after a week I already find it impossible, I am already full of stuff to do for other people. I never ask for more work, but I am unable to refuse it when offered. Where can I find the resources to stop this habit? My three weeks of vacations were spent taking care of my problematic intestine, that I did not know have so many problems.

Thank You.

Answer:

Dear Adriana, first of all, well done. Well done for taking care of yourself by writing this message. It is a good start to open doors to hope, those doors that you close all the time you accept other people's work. You say that you do not ask for these additional work (are you sure?), and you say that you do not refuse it (are you sure?).

What actually happens is that you, without realizing it, ask for it, and then refuse it. You ask them, to be busy with something and forget about yourself.

Do you know why you want to forget about yourself? Because you feel “unable”. Unable to sit down and relax, unable to leave your job...

To cover this idea that you have about yourself, you feel forced to show others (and sadly not yourself) that you are able. So you accept more work than necessary, postponing and accumulating in your intestine your real needs.

You say that you are always frustrated because you do not receive the expected gratifications: but this is the obvious consequence for who does not look at his/her own needs and waits, like a child, to be gratified by others.

The real gratification comes from being able to see, recognize, and give space to your own needs. It is obvious, and maybe even fair, that it was your intestine that took those 3 weeks of vacation. Your intestine did not block you, it just invited you to take care of your body.

Sadly it was not fully listened to, like you, most likely, were not fully listened to by your mother when you were a child. Your intestine was not understood in its somatic language, that is not the one of work-folders or of co-workers' job.

What do you say about leave to the others their duties, and to begin to take care of your own?

Where to find the resources? Maybe you can start say NO more often to others, and say YES more often to yourself, to your intestine, to your body, and -why not?- to your rage and emotions.

You have the resources, but you used them all for others and do not leave any for yourself. The equilibrium between yes and no should always be even.

Since you like to take care of other people's needs, why do not you take care of the need of the “other Adriana”? Open the doors of hope and gratification to yourself, or the risk is that next summer 3 weeks will not be enough.

Good luck, and feel free to contact me if advice is needed.

Answer:

Giuseppe Luigi Esposito, Psychotherapist

Question:

Adriana, 55 years old

Publication Date: 09/19/2009

Check out the original article here

Fear of Commitment

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Question:

Dear Doctors,

I hope to learn whether or not you can help me with my problems with your suggestions. I am 38 years old and legally separated from my husband for 6 months after only 3 years of marriage without any kids. We have been engaged very happily and without any abuses for 12 years. My husband, according to him and everyone else, is devoted to me and adores me. Me on the other hand, even when loving him, have always been more cold and rational, a trait that links back to my family. Imagine that I’ve married after 2 years that he’s asked me and I’ve was even stalling on the decision to have kids regardless of his initial requests. But when I’ve decided to follow his request, we were separated. We’ve never lived together because he works and lives in a different city from where I work. To be honest, I never even joined him during the summer because knowing him, who is devoted to work, would not listen to me. On the other hand, this is why we don’t stay good together but he doesn’t say it to me because some things are not meant to be said…

After the death of a co-worker who did the same job, He became worse and absorbed himself completely in work. Because of this, I began to complain every time we see each other and stopped giving him serenity because he is tide between work and me. After 2 months, during yet another one of my complaints, he told me that he is not sure that he wants to stay with me anymore because his 2 great passions, his job and I, clashed together and he is not able to re-conciliate it anymore. In addition, he has suffered a lot being alone for such a long time; but he is used to it and enjoys staying this way. Thus, having understood that he finds it difficult to live together as a couple, something inside him broke and his life is ruined because you only love once in your life. He also constantly reminds me that I’ve never understood any of his problems when he is always aware of mines and my anxiety (I was suffering constantly from anxiety and panic attacks). I’m almost sure that he does not have and he’s never had another woman even now. After a week, with my anguish and his (he was vomiting), He decided to leave me and he asked me immediately for separation because he wanted to closed this chapter of his life instantly and he doesn’t want to turn back. We haven’t heard from each other for 4 months (I learned in the meanwhile that he completed a job that is very dangerous) and after one of my letters, a bit before the separation, we saw each other for the first time and he showed me his more fragile side like before. The day before the separation he wanted to see me, and he told me that he loved staying with me, and that he doesn’t want to risk his life for work anymore and that decision of the day after does not need to be so defined. And he told me the same thing again the day of.

We started seeing each other again after that. Not even a month after, once I learn that he is moving to a city further away, he asked me to follow him definitely once the school year is finished (I am a teacher). He also asked me to be a little bit more patient because he feels very fragile and he wanted to go on with care for the fear of suffering again. I went with him. He introduced me to all of his new colleague as his wife, and he called two friends to announced that we are pretty much getting back together. After a month and a half, I felt him distant from me again and then he told me that it is better for me not to follow him because he doesn’t want to move too fast. He is not putting his hands up in defense but only to show me that he is not an unconscious psycho, and that he has a great respect for me, and that he loves me. But he doesn’t want to suffer anymore and if we get back together it has to be for the whole life. He confessed that he is depressed, works too much (day and night) in order to not have to think, to not be so stressed because now, different from before, he likes his job a lot and he’s reached an equilibrium that he did not have before. He also added that when he is angry, he needs to be left alone, more now because he’s never been in this situation before. But anyways, if we are separated in the future, it is not my fault. He became aggressive, egotistic, self-fish, intolerant, nervous, he pride himself for his work, and he does nothing besides talking about his work in an obsessive way. Where is the sweet, patient, and understanding boy that I knew for 14 years?

We talk every day but we rarely see each other. Only after the separation that I understand how much I love him (I never told him), I admit my guilt and I can’t excuse myself even though he told me that he also committed the greater errors but the problem lies within us both. I don’t know what to do, how to help him if he doesn’t want external help. I don’t want to end our story and want to clarify if it is a problem of feelings or something more complex. Thanks for your advises, I really do need them. 

Answer:

Dear Cati,

The thing that is most obvious from what you wrote is the difficulty that you both have in living in a real relationship. Your relationship seems to always have been a “chasing game” (When one runs away, the other chases and vice versa). This kind of conflict is usually caused by the combination of the need to have a relationship and the fear to have one. The causes of this subconscious behavior can be found in the past of each individual. Generally, every person is afraid to completely let him/her self go for the fear of appearing naked in front of others and becoming too vulnerable. There are some family situation and personal experiences that make certain individuals more fragile and scared of being committed. In these cases, problems like yours happen; always chasing and looking for something but never able to reach it. It’s hard if not impossible to be able to come out without outside help. It is like trying to help someone out of a well while being inside the well yourself. It’s necessary to find a third person that throws a rope. If your husband doesn’t want to see psychotherapeutic help, you can start it and it will benefit you both. 

Answer:

Lara Scarsella, Psychotherapist

Question: 

Cati, 38 years old 

Publication Date: 10/02/2008

Check out the original article here

Rage Attacks

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Question:

Hi, I have a problem. I often have rage attacks, i destroy objects and I physically assault people. When the rage fades away, I am left terribly ashamed of myself. 

The targets have always been my boyfriends.

Answer:

Dear Cinzia,

I understand that the frequent rage rushes that you have do not make you live well, regardless of the shame that comes after. After all, rage is the product of the frustration caused by an unsatisfied need, and rage also is often the veil that hides the real need that has to be fulfilled.

This is how the unsatisfied need become an existential problem.

In other words, rage prevents us to understand what is the real need, and this is usually affective. The fact that the targets are always your boyfriends suggests that the emotional need is linked to your relation with men.

So, even though you vent your frustration out instead of keeping it inside, the real problem stays alive and unsolved. Basically, there is an unsatisfying relation with men, and there is your need to solve it. 

But when problems are not properly faced, some behaviors and emotions can instinctively emerge, and become a rage rush. Those actions will later make you ashamed, because they are not perceived as adequate and pertinent.

Ask yourself why you have this rage against objects and boyfriends. Try to understand which are the situations and the external stimuli that make the rage grow, and especially, try to let emerge all your emotions and feelings along with the rage.

Cinzia, my suggestion is to individuate and accept the “real problem” that is buried under the rage. When this will be done, you will be able to face it in a decisive and serious way, so to find a personal equilibrium and a serene emotional relation with people, situations, and the objects around you.

Best Wishes.

Answer:

Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist

Question:

Cinzia, 35 years old

Publication Date: 10/14/2006

Check out the original article here

Addicted to frienship?

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Question:

I could not believe that i would suffer so much. I could not believe that i would feel such an intense and intolerable pain, and that i would feel it for such a long time. I did not know that the end of a friendship could cause such violent and intense suffering. I am here to ask for a suggestion.

David is, or maybe was, my best friend. He was my friend since many years, almost since forever. He is a complicated person, full of problems, he is introverted and younger than me. He entered in the endless spiral of depression, and then worsened the things with alcohol.

All this for problems related to his family, his relationships, and much more things.

I “saved” him countless times, taking him completely drunk out of some bar, or simply making him talk to get over his suicide threats. It was an error.

I substituted myself to a professional figure that certainly could have helped him way better, and would not get involved emotionally. There was a sort of transfert..If he was happy, I was too. When he fell into the deep of his depression, I felt great anxiety and fear. 

Then he got over that dark period. And he literally kicked me out of his life. We had a ferocious argument, and he absurdly accused me, my availability, and my efforts. He never talked to me again, not even to say sorry for the harsh words he used against me. Even if it might seem incredible, i felt his pain when he was suffering. 

I would have done anything to make him feel better. I intimately and deeply shared his pain, and i wonder, now, if I deserved what then happened to me.

The answer is NO. I do not deserve such a treatment. I just want respect, at least for what I have done and I have been through because of him.

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Rae, I read your letter word by word, and I write you what i think from your own words. I hope this will help you.

Come out from your suffering? Let's clarify. Which suffering? I want to highlight that a psychological consult, like a psychotherapy, can solve the problems of a “neurotic” suffering, but cannot solve an existential pain, that is part of the negative side of life. It is not right or wrong, it just happens.

I will explain better. If you succeed into healthily resetting your emotional responses, you can come out from the loop of pain you seem to be in; but you will not be able to avoid the existential pain of the human disappointment that you faced.

That will always be part of your life experience, but it will not cause additional pain if you can accept and solve it emotionally.

Did you make a mistake into trying to solve the problem of your friend? Humanly, certainly not. But it is impossible to help who does not want to be helped. The alcoholic that does not say “help me, I am an alcoholic”, is not help-able, not even professionally. 

But this is not the main point, i think.

What really happened is that the big problem of a person that you cared about clashed against your feeling of power, and that made you fall into an addiction yourself.

We can be addicted to substances, but also to persons or situations. That situation became your addiction as much as the bottle was his. You need to recognize your addiction from that situation, not as a self-critic moral act, but as an explanation of your psychological state of mind, and as the first step in your path towards independence. You lost independence: that situation sucks you in, exactly like a drug could do.

Your letter to me is a partial understanding of your condition itself. You are on the right path, understand it, walk through it, and at the end you will find your solution. Only like this you will find a possible help, as opposed to the help that you gave him, that was impossible.

Good luck

Answer:

Roberto Melloni, Psychotherapist

Question:

Rae, 46 years old

Publication Date: 07/18/2008

Check out the original article here