Do abused become abusers?

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Question:

Dear Doctors, i will really like to have an explanation for something that i try to understand since a long time. I have been abused (sexually and emotionally), by my father and my family from youth to adolescence. I told my doctor and my mother, but nobody did anything.

I will skip the details to do not make this question become too long.

I got married, I lost three children because of anatomical malfunctions of the womb.

Now i have a 5 years old kid, Francesco.

I have been the eye-witness during a trial against a pedophile. I went to college and study psychology to try to understand, and to try to cure myself from the multiple behavioral weirdness that characterize me. I am about to finish college and i bless the day that I decided to apply.

My curiosity is this: how is it possible to develop a sensibility and a behavior exactly opposite to the one that was suffered? Basically, why am i so different from my family?

I am doing a psychotherapy since 2 years, and i succeeded in becoming a bit more detached and selfish...but it is still too little to make the idiots that surround me respect me (read: my family).

Studying development psychology, i read that only 15% of the abused subjects does not take the same deviated career, but for the rest there is no hope.

The first time they told me this info, I was 22 years old and I got so scared of being a pedophile, that I was not able to take a bath for my kid.

Thanks to the psychotherapy, now things are better, way better. But i would like to understand why that 15% is sane regardless of the past, the context, and the negative and destructive surrounding emotions.

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Cynthia, i hope that your doubt, that seems to be a little bit obsessive, will dissolve in time also thanks to the help of psychotherapy. That is the best place to communicate your thoughts, your fantasies, and your doubts.

What I can tell you is that you seem to be a person that succeeded and is succeeding, regardless of the hard experience of the past, in finding your personal path made of victories, bravery, and confidence.

Probably you are naturally equipped with a personality that contributed to make your resolute temperament, and that the abusive experience did not break.

You chose to be a good and responsible person, and you want to give what you did not receive in your life: love, respect, trust. In your life you saw evil, but you chose goodness.

I believe that you should let go of your doubt, and believe that you are the good person that you seem to be.

Best wishes

Answer:

Maddalena Bazzoli, Psychotherapist

Question:

Cynthia, 32 years old

Publication Date: 01/24/2008

Check out the original article here

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder & Hypnosis

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Question:

Hello, i have a simple and straightforward question: is it possible, through hypnosis, to delete completely and permanently part of one's past from memory?

Thank you for your answer.

Answer:

Dear Jane, i could straightforwardly answer you no. But that would not be the truth, because the truth is way more complicated than that.

I will explain better: when we -as human beings- have to face very stressful situations, our nervous system fixes these times in our memory, and they often become knots of anxiety and distress.

This means that, in some unfortunate cases, we are forced to live always focusing on these chunks of memory; this causes us to suffer, and gives us the feeling that time never passed, and that our future will not exist. Always remember that this experience is only determined by the way our minds work, and it is not reality.

What i just described you is what who suffers from a condition called “Post-traumatic stress disorder” experiences usually. As you can imagine, this kind of disorder is particularly constraining, because the subject perceives time as in a story that never ends and always comes back to the starting point.

What can be done? The answer is clear: it is not possible to delete memories, but it is possible to reallocate those memories within a story that is able to create an evolutionary patch in the subject's experience.

In order to achieve this, hypnosis is a valuable tool, because through the alteration of the state of consciousness of the subject, it is possible to modify the emotional answer to certain memories, so to give back to the subject a feeling of control over his reality.

Dear Jane, I do not know what happened to you, but what i can tell you as a psychotherapist is that what you are living right now is only part of a narrative structure that caged you in a game without end, a tale that loops taking away your ability to make projects for the future.

I will conclude quoting an ancient Greek philosopher, Epictetus, in the hope that will bring you some hope: “Not things, but opinions about things, trouble men.”

Good luck.

Answer:

Paolo Chellini, Psychotherapist

Question:

Jane, 25 years old

Publication Date: 03/19/2008

Check out the original article here

Coping with sickness

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Question:

Dear Experts, i am a 31 years old woman, I am the mom of a 5 years old boy, and i had many projects. At least until 15 days ago...They diagnosed me, all of a sudden, a multiple sclerosis.

From that moment, my life stopped.

I cannot perceive myself as the same person, the same mother, the same wife. Even though i try as much as i can to don't leave myself the time to think about it, every night I am in tears. I keep my few smiles for my boy, i do not want him to perceive my pain.

Barely a semester is left before my master in psychology, but I am not sure anymore that i will have the mental strength to finish it. How can i find again the strength to keep going ?

Thank You in advance.

Answer:

Dear Erika, the discovery of such a complex sickness surely brought up very unpleasant emotions: stupor, frustration, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, and negative thoughts about your future. I understand you very well, because i already had been close to persons that have been diagnosed with severe illnesses: sclerosis, cancer, diabetes.

From my experience i had the chance to notice how the mix of medical and psychological cures can lead to the recovery some times, or to the stall (to a non dangerous step) of the sickness.

Your are not the sickness, you have the sickness. Plato used to say: "There is no point in trying to heal the body without healing the soul." In fact, i think that the real healing begin within your consciousness, and one of the easiest way to reach it is through emotions.

So I suggest you to:

1) take all the medical exams to evaluate the step and severity of the sickness;

2) Begin with the pharmacological therapies that the doctor will prescribe you;

3) Work on the emotional blocks related to this experience, in order to reach a full consciousness of yourself, and of the psychological mechanisms that are involved.

This will also help you after the graduations, to better decide which specialization to pursue. I am sure that you will do well, good luck!

Answer:

Ornella Furlani, psychotherapist

Question:

Erika, 31 years old

Publication Date: 05/24/2010

Check out the original article here

 

What is Compulsive Hoarding?

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How many times before to throw away some old object you thought: “Should I keep it? Maybe it will be useful...?” It is never easy to let go of our stuff, but there are people for whom it is almost impossible. They cannot distinguish between what is important and what is not; they are affected by a pathology: Compulsive Hoarding.

What is Compulsive Hoarding? 

Let's see.

Compulsive Hoarding is often defined as “pathological collecting,” and its is the pathological tendency to keep massive amounts of useless objects to the point that parts of the house (if not the whole house) of the affected become uninhabitable. This usually creates many problems in the life of the subjects, one of them being that they are constantly forced to justify themselves in front of family and friends.

Why do compulsive hoarders keep so much “useless junk” around? Researchers have found that the hoarders are excessively involved towards their properties. Every old grocery receipt, or depleted pen is perceived as part of the subject's person and of his past; so these objects that most people would define “junk”, have a great emotional importance for the hoarder. 

Also, it exists a “functional” hoarding: some compulsive hoarder do not throw away the old hairdryer, or the old toaster, because they believe that they might be useful in the future.

The accumulation of stuff is directly related to complications in planning and organizing: those affected by pathological collecting have limited “mental categories”, and problems in cataloging objects.

Some researches in neuroscience show that the brains of the hoarders handles the problem “throw away or not?” in a very different way from “normal” brains. Specifically, the prefrontal cortex reacts very energically when the subjects are asked to throw away old things. This cerebral area is also stimulated when there is a need to take difficult decisions, or to evaluate feelings or rational thoughts. In fact, compulsive hoarders often lack of decision-making skills.

When a subject recognizes as exaggerate his tendency to keep his stuff , he should see a psychotherapist. Sadly though, compulsive hoarding is only discovered after the subject see a therapist, because it is almost never the original reason. This happens because many compulsive hoarders suffer from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. One of those reasons is usually what make them set their first appointments.

An efficient therapy includes many exercises to learn how to organize one's mind and how to take decisions, so to lead the patients to reconsider their relations with old, broken, or worthless objects.

Source: http://www.crescita-personale.it/

Publication Date: 09/21/2012

Check out the original article here

Affected by Sexual Addiction

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Question:

I have a huge problem! I am affected by sexual addiction. To make you better understand the gravity of my situation, I will say this: in 3 months I had sex with about 30 different guys.

Now I found a person that I like and I want to stay with, and that apparently succeeded in stopping my impulses! But I am scared that it will come back.

Answer:

Dear Gio, you talk about sexual addiction, but I do not know if this diagnosis comes from a professional, or if it is your perception based on your behavior.

However, I guess that right now the situation is very difficult for you. Like it happens in drug addiction, what you are addicted to is a mean to alleviate pain, stress, and anxiety. In the specific case of sexual addiction, for example, it could be your way to fill an intense need for affection and gentleness. It could be a request for attentions, or even a confirmation of your physical aspect (to reinforce your self-esteem).

Whatever is the motivation that leads you to have so many sexual intercourses, It seems that it makes you live sexuality in an obsessive way, to the point that it creates a vicious circle that becomes difficult to escape.

But now you found a person that you like, and it looks like he stopped your impulse. From your words, I imagine that you would like this relationship to last, and to be “healed” from your “sickness”. But you are scared that the impulse could come back.

I can understand what you are experiencing, so my suggestion is to contact a professional, possibly an expert in this type of addiction, so that he can do a more sharp diagnosis, and he can find the right way to make you live healthily your sexuality.

This means that you have to take the responsibility of accepting who you are, and of choosing the path that will let you have the best quality of life possible. You will have to work on yourself, and on what you want from yourself, from your sexuality, and from your relationships.

I wish you good luck.

Answer:

Giulia Checcucci, psychotherapist

Question:

Gio, 21 years old

Publication Date: 09/20/2010

For similar articles, check out Sexual Behavior: high sex drive

Check out the original article here

Jelousy in relationships

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Question:

Hello,

I am a 33 years old women that is currently in a loving relationship, maybe, for the first time in my life. Until now, I've lived in a state of confusion and have had many dates in the past, few of them however ever even got close to the idea of a relationship. Right now, I am with this person with who I've discussed all my life; he knows everything about me, my sex background, and the difficult life that I've had. We were not friends yet when I told him about my past sexual experiences; but this is the cause of my problems today. It has only been 3 months that we are together even if the discussions make it seem like it's been years. 

The main point is that he doesn't accept some of my past behaviors, specifically in a particular situation regarding sex. He admits that he is closed-minded and macho regarding this argument but that is just who he is. I see his effort to want to overcome this argument and on the other hand, he feels bad, changes mood, and hides himself from me because he doesn't want me to see him in this state; even if I am always available and open to discuss them. We are still going forward in our relationship, driven by strong feelings towards each other, but it seems to be that our relationship is a bit auto-destructive despite our efforts to grow together. It is in our personality to bring about certain arguments. Another thing particular is that when we stay together, we are a very joyful couple while these harder discussions happens only when we talk on the phone. 

I would like to help, but I don't know what is considered being in a healthy relationship and I don't know to what point can he continue to suffer for this. My dilemma is how can he overcome these actions of my past but continue to love me?

Shouldn't one accept both the good and the bad of their love ones?

Answer:

Dear Maddalena, I've read your inquiry with attention regarding your courage and the difficulties that you are facing with your partner. I find it very important for you, along with your partner, to see a psychologist specialized in couple's relationships if you really intend to find a effective, valid, and mutual relationships to your current problem. Although, I also intend to offer my point of view professionally hoping that I can give you a direction and the first possibility regarding your partner that is positive. 

It is not concentrated on your partner, on his way to handle this relationship, or on his inability to accept your past love. It is, instead, it is attentively concentrated on your feelings, on your way of loving and on your feelings that you have for your partner. Don't live with facts like your partner, that in addition makes himself feel bad and pushes away feelings and the feelings that he have for you. The facts, the situations, and the circumstances, including the past are fixed; they will not change. 

In fact, they have disadvantages, like how it is happening to you two, that poisons the love relationship and consequently, the sensibility and empathy for each other that should instead grow and developing with each day. The fact that your partner insist and persist on your past love life can be destructive if we do not define it clearly, much like the absence of self confidence, low self-esteem, and especially the difficulty on focusing on loving you.

I believe that your relationship and your communication is, right now, far from healthy. It seems instead to be in a dangerous loop around each-other's past. It is important to substitute emotions and feelings to the facts and these feelings must be lived and shared in the present.

This is what you should both work for if you want to improve your relationship. Do not talk about facts. Talk about feelings, focus on the emotions, and on your love for each-other. Focus on the present. Rather than your rationality, you should trust your feelings. 

If doing so is going to be difficult, then it is necessary -if you want to keep the relationship alive- that you meet with a professional.

I hope I have been of some help. Good luck.

 

Answer:
Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist
Question: 

Maddalena, 33 years old
Publication Date: 03/25/2007

Check out the original article here

 

Urophobia: Fear of urinating in public

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Question:

Hi, I am a 22 years old guy, and since about 2 months I found out that I am urophobic. Since I was a kid I had problems urinating in “public” places. For public I mean open (in the wild, for example), or crowded places. In general in any place that is not my house. I was always scared of being observed while doing my things. 

This did not prevent me to have a normal life, I traveled and visited many countries, because when I had to use the bathroom I always found some way to distract myself, and I eventually succeeded. Ever since my second year of college, though, I had to stay outside of my house for 12-14 hours a day, and I started not being able to use the bathroom anymore. I had painful anxiety crisis, with obsessive thoughts of having to force myself to urinate.

Sadly though, as a consequence of my anxiety, I began having issues such as pain and constant stimulus even after using the bathroom. I went to an urological visit, and they found a small inflammation of the prostate that could have justified my symptoms. After various cures and almost no results, I began having problems going out of my house in general (the idea of having to use the bathroom and be away from home became a horrible thought and caused me great anxiety.) 

The situation became even worser, and soon I was not able to urinate even in my house, this forced me to go to the hospital 5 times in great pain after non urinating for several days.

All the clinical exams that I took excluded organic causes. I decided to go to a psychiatrist that seem to not be aware of the existence of my pathology, and practically did not solve anything at all.

This fear prevents me to leave my house, to go to college, and to normally live like I did until a couple of months ago. Also, when I am under stress or I am unable to go to my home's bathroom, the anxiety grows to a point that I urinate wherever I am.

Can someone tell me what can I do? My life became impossible. 

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear George, I confess that I had to research the topic before to give you my answer, in fact I was not aware of the existence of this particular phobia, that seems actually to be more diffused in the recent years. Regardless of the particular shape that it has in your case, your problem is related to an anxiety disorder (in other cases it can manifests itself as a panic attack). 

The key to your problem lies in your words: “i was always scared of being observed”, -specifically- observed while your genitals are uncovered. I believe that the origin and the cure to your particular issue have to be searched in the events of your past related to your sexuality-affectivity. This from a psychological point of view.

 

On an energetic point of view (my preparation is Somato-Psycho-Energetic, and this leads me to take in consideration this aspect too), it is important to notice also the contradictory behavior of “urinating wherever you are”. This highlights the coexistence of two opposite and extreme forces. Only one of the two wins, without you being able to set a right, and natural, equilibrium.

Maybe this indication can help you looking for the right professional help for you particular case.

Good Luck!

Answer:

Sergio Scialanca, Psychologist

Question:

George, 22 years old

Publication Date: 12/05/2007 

 

Check out the original article here

Do not repeat the same mistakes

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Question:

Hi, I write here to ask something that is related to the creative process of the human mind. I would like to know why we, as human beings, often live multiple times the similar painful situations, and repeat the same mistakes throughout life.

Why in our life situations are repeated over and over? How can we be a bit more creative within our existence, so that we won’t live the same bad situations again?

Answer:

Dear Monica, what you are asking me is very hard to explain. Actually, it is the main reason of why people ask help to psychotherapists. However, to start my explanation, I will give you a definition of neurosis. This term is used to define a stereotypical and rigid way used to react to certain situations that can be related to an internal cognitive process, or to an external stimulus. Clearly, this rigid reaction of our mind can be explained in multiple ways, depending on which theoretical approach we decide to use.

For example, according to psychoanalysis, neurosis is the subconscious conflict of two thoughts, coming from the ego. According to the behavioral approach, neurosis is a learned behavior caused by the environment’s reinforcements (in this case the neurotic reaction will keep existing regardless of its original cause). According to Cognitivism it is a wrong evaluation process etc..

Dear Monica, as you can see we can use multiple ways to interpret this human problematic. Which one is the right one? I believe that there is no best answer, they all have a descriptive value, and they are all usable based on the specific clinical situation.

There is something that can be done on psychophysical level, though. In fact, recent researches on the functions of the human brain (and with this I am talking about the mind as well, since we cannot talk anymore of division between mind and body) are showing us the various processes that take shape. These researches are telling us something also on the experiences of perceptive rigidity, so on what make us repeat our “mistakes” over and over. In synthesis the answer that these researches are giving us is this: the human brain develops rigid reaction ways as a consequence of an excessive cortical activation. In other words, the problem is connected to anxiety.

Dear Monica, at this point I have to tell you what you can do. As a first thing I suggest you to begin to regularly do whatever practice that allows you to lower the psychophysical experience of anxiety. There are many ways: meditation, physical exercise, gardening, relaxation techniques, autohypnosis etc..

If with time you see that the problem did not change, I suggest you to contact a professional to begin, with him, a specific journey tailored on your personal situation.

I hope I have been of help, and I wish you good luck.

Answer:

Paolo Chellini

Question:

Monica, 25 years old

Publication Date: 12/18/2007

Check out the original article here

How Depressed People Think

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Question:

Hi, It is 3 years that I am in a relationship with a man that suffers since about 10 years of depression and anxiety disorder. He is continuously drowning in his guilt feelings, he does not give any importance to himself or to his existence.

He often speaks about suicide, and, according to him, he would like to die. He alternates hyperactivity periods with ones of complete apathy.

Without any explanation or apparent cause, he passes from being extremely happy and joyful to being depressed and wanting to die. Even when he has been cured with drugs the situation did not improve. He feels always bad.

Now, though, this is affecting me too. 

He told me: “you look for happiness and joy, you would not be happy with me, look for someone that is less complicated.”

I did not answer. I took time to think. I would like to understand, and I ask help to you.

Is he asking for help, or he wants to be left alone? How does a depressed person think?

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Simona, it is interesting that you ask about “his” mind, that you want to know “how does a depressed person think”, and you say nothing about yourself.

It is 20 years that I am a psychotherapist and I have to confess you that I do not know. I do not know how does a depressed think, because before to be “depressed”, or “euphoric”, or “paranoid”, or “psychotic”, etc.. we are all human beings, and therefore unique. 

So I do not know what or how does he think, I should meet him to know it. And I do not know how to diagnose his depression either (if it is really depression.) Is it reactive? Does it have biological origins? Is it the “down” of the borderline disorder? Is it caused by something buried deep in the past, or it is an existential crisis? I do not know. If I do not speak to him, if I do not see him, if I do not meet him, I do not know.

You ask if he wants to be left alone or if he is asking for help..I do not know. Maybe both. I am sorry that I cannot be more reassuring in a moment in which you clearly need some certainty, but what I think you should do is to move the “subject” of your sentences from him to you.

What do YOU want to do? How do YOU feel with him? What void does his presence fill and what ghosts does he awake? Why did YOU accepted, during these 3 years, to be with a “depressed” person, since this clearly does not help your self-esteem? To understand what does he think, you should first realize where are you in this situation. You should also ask yourself what do you think not only of him and your relationship, but also of your life and what do YOU want to do with it.

My best wishes.

Answer:

Livia Tedaldi, Psychotherapist

Question:

Simona, 22 years old

Publication date: 11/07/2007

For more informations on the topic, check out the article Is Depression a sickness?

Check out the original article here

Emotional Addiction

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Question: 

Can someone suffer of affective and sexual addiction? I decided to begin a psychotherapy for this reason. Maybe it is linked to something in my past, but sure is that I get excessively bound to the women I fall in love with. All my interests disappear, my life becomes unimportant, I constantly look for confirms that she is love with me too, I even try to control her, all my thoughts are for her, until she abandons me, and I am left alone and desperate.

I would like to understand what pushes me to make the person I am in love with responsible for my happiness to the point that I cease to exist.

I realized that the more I grow older and the worse the situation becomes. Every time I suffer more.

In this moment I am desperate, I am fighting with myself, because I am involved in a relationship with a person that is emotionally unstable, and this relationship is killing me. Every time she pushes me away for a reason or another, I start feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated, and paranoid.

My sex drive with her is almost obsessive, I believe that this is because I have low self-esteem and I am always looking for a confirmation that she wants me too.

Also, I am beginning to think that for me, to love her is so much a necessary for my mental stability, that we are not talk about love anymore, it is more like a drug, or worse.

Today I called a psychotherapist and I will begin meeting with him soon. I really hope that this therapy will bring “myself” out, I want to look for happiness within myself, but I really do not know where to start!

Answer:

Dear Paolo,

I think you took the right decision. In fact, only a therapy can untie the knot of feelings in which you are stuck. There are personalities that need other's recognition of their value in order to feel confident and good. As you rightly hypothesized, these are problems that begin in the far past, usually during infancy. 

I understand the torments that you must be facing right now, especially if your girlfriend is, as you said, emotionally unstable, and she does not give you that required security that you need to feel calm and relaxed.

But you understood that it cannot go on like this for your whole life.

I will repeat myself and say it again: you made the right choice in beginning the therapy, and do not worry if you will feel “addicted” to the therapist, that is normal and transitory for personalities such as yours, and it is something that is functional to the achievement of real independence.

Best wishes.

Answer:

Gianna Porri, Psychotherapist

Question:

Paolo, 31 years old

Publication Date: 01/26/2006

Check out the original article here

Social Anxiety: Sweating, Suffocating and Panic Attacks

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Question:

Dear Doctors,

I am writing to you because my social life has been changing recently. In fact, I tend to go out much less now because doing so gives me a lot of physical and mental discomfort. My problem is related to sweating and to strong and bad odor; the problem, I think, instead is not only linked psychologically but more importantly to my ability to respire.

For example, if I find myself in crowded and somewhat heated places, I suffer like a dog; I become paranoid when I feel like I am suffocating and try to avoid places with a possibility of sweating. I would like to know if a septum deviation can solve anything, including palpitation. Thank You.

Answer:

Dear Francesca,

The fact that you asked this question to someone who is specialized in psychology related science brings me to think that there is something inside you that is pushing you to think that there are some psychological component to the problems that you are describing, not only physical.

Surely I do not exclude the importance to put into consideration the problems that are physical and can have a negative impact on your problem, but wait before considering seeing a specialist doctor; as a psychologist, I pay much more attention only the perception that you have on these physical characteristics and the amount of pain it cause you more than the sweating and the bad odor itself. A high pain can become something that can slowly hinder your social relations even more.

I think at the bottom of all this there is an anxiety component that is more or less known and limiting you particularly; connecting it to your social situations, it manifests through your fear of “having something wrong” that the others can tell. Following this hypothesis it can also be considered the palpitation that you’ve quickly mentioned as a very important element to understand your situation better.

Referring back to your question, I have to confirm how much I believe breathing to be the most important element to take in consideration, and to improve on. For example, beginning from techniques that are specific and goal-oriented, with the help of an expert, a path can be found to help you overcome in the best way possible the problems that you’ve said. To conclude this, what I really want to tell you in all honesty is that you must develop more trust and hope within yourself, because the consequence can be seen in these problems.

Wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer:

Manuele Matera, Psychologist

Question:

Francesca, 27 years old

Publication Date: 03/23/2007

For other posts related to Social Anxiety check out Fear of judgment

Check out the original article here 

Sexuality: a weird behavior

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Question:

Hi, since a couple of months I have been experiencing a very embarrassing behavior. I cannot look in the eyes the people I talk to. All the time I find myself looking at the pubic area of guys and the breasts of girls. This embarrasses me, and my interlocutor, that usually reacts by giving me weird looks and covering themselves.

Also, it is about two years that I am not in a relationship, and all the times that I happen to meet a guy that I like, I run away, I avoid talking to him or meeting him again.

With all the guys that I am not interested in, I am calm and extroverted.

I will be waiting for your answer, thank you!

Answer:

Dear Ann, the behaviors that you described highlight a dysfunction in your ability to have interpersonal relations. In fact, they seem to point to an ambivalence in your way of living sexuality, and this brings you to a great curiosity and attraction for sexual body-parts, and at the same time it force you to run away from the possibility of having any kind of relationship.

Sexuality is a very important face of life, because besides having a biological goal, it builds a source of physical and psychological well-being. It is important no to underestimate this. Often, fear of sexuality is linked to a fear of intimacy and closeness, also psychological, with the others, that risk to be perceived as aggressors and so as potential enemies.

It is fundamental to understand where this fear comes from, in order to overcome it and be able to get close to the others with spontaneity, and at the same time to feel serene while living sexuality and relationship.

Have good day, and contact me if you have any other question.

Answer:

Manuela Biagi, Psychologist

Question:

Ann, 29 years old

Publication Date: 10/17/2007

Check out the original article here

Addiction to VideoGames and Internet

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Question:

Hi, my name is Silvia, and I am 19 years old. My help request is not for me, but for my brother. He is completely addicted to the Internet, especially to Role-playing games and online poker. He studies computer science, but he is not doing well in school, probably because of his addiction. The situation in my family is getting terrible. Since she always sees him with the computer, my mother is getting very worried.

His social relations are zeroed, because even though his friends kept calling him to hang out, after his repeated refusals, they stopped. My mom tries daily to communicate with him; she tried in a calm and serene way, and in a more authoritarian way. Nothing worked out, because he denies that he has a problem.

Unfortunately my parents’ threats are never supported by actions, so they are ignored and absolutely useless.

I read some articles about Internet addiction, and I think that my brother fit the description of the typical addict.

In my (humble) opinion, I think that the biggest problem is that he does not want to admit the addiction, and this prevents him to be able to face it.

I hope you can suggest me something, thank you.

Answer:

Dear Silvia, to begin a therapeutic solution, there are two necessary conditions: your brother must become aware of his problem, and he needs to develop a critical relation with his pain and motivation to change the situation.

This way he would be able to modify the dysfunctional relationships and behaviors, achieving a good self-esteem (which is probably lacking), a good knowledge of himself and of his internal world, a stable relationship with his own emotions, and overall a life’s project.

In Internet-addiction cases, the addict escapes from all these things, he escapes from himself and from others, he basically escapes from reality. Achieving awareness of the problem, as you correctly said, is the main knot: your brother is not yet, from what you wrote, at that point.   

The attraction of videogames and role-playing games is huge. Conflict is useless, as well as threats.

It is important to communicate and to listen, and that is not an easy task. The reasons for your brother’s addiction are not to be searched only in him and his personality, but also in the family history, in his relationship with you all and with others. He evidently did not learn how to face reality and life, and escaped from them hiding in the virtual world. But the virtual world is an illusory hiding place.

He will ask for help when he will realize that his hideout is transparent, and that running away from life is useless and painful.

Get close to him; try to understand what feelings and emotions he gets from playing, why he needs it, what are his thoughts and fears. Family is a dynamic system, what happens to one member inevitably affects the others. You are a family, his in there too, he was there before he decided to be isolated. Meet again, or meet for the first time.

You could use the help of a therapist; he could suggest you strategies to go through the daily life, to all of you, including your brother that needs to be helped finding that awareness that today he does not have.

Good Luck,

Answer:

Rosa Mininno, psychotherapist

Question:

Silvia, 19 years old

Publication Date: 11/02/2012

For articles about Internet Addictions check out also Is Depression a Sickness?

Check out the original article here

Lies and Calumnies

Often times, during our life, there are particular moments that make us feel violated by intrusive looks, by vicious words, by sharp judgments. There are moments in which you can almost touch the hypocrisy of the world.

In those moments, instead of being supportive, others’ presence becomes a ferocious torture.

All this happens we dare, even by a little, to swerve from the flat and colorless conformism of the masses, to follow some other “alternative” path.

Our behavior gets immediately personified, judged, imprisoned in biases, while the dark fog of Lie hugs, disorients, and plagues us.

Maybe, all this “roar” of hostile voices against us is caused by we suddenly became inconvenient in the eyes of those that enjoy the quiet repeating of routines and traditional schemes.

In fact, often, being the living proof that life can be lived under the light of new perspectives, creates a “dissonance” that is emotionally unbearable for those used to preserve rather than to innovate.

To this clash of realities, perceived as a sort of assault, these people react ostracizing the aggressor through calumnies and moral discredit.

Author: Maria Luisa Valenti

Check out the original article here

Sexual Performance Anxiety with my lover

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

I am a married man since 15 years, and I have a daughter. My marriage is almost perfect under every aspect, including the sexual one. Since a couple of months I began cheating on my wife.

Sadly, I found out that I have erectile dysfunction when I am with my lover. I have no sicknesses.

What can I do? Please help me without judging. Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Mario, the words “Erectile Dysfunction” are usually related to organic causes, while in your case it seems obvious that the problem is psychological. In fact we are talking of an impotency of emotional-psychological cause. In your situation there is obviously some tension, maybe unconscious, and an inconsistency between a satisfying marriage and an unsatisfying extra-marital relationship.

Negative sexual performances usually, in men, generate a “sexual performance anxiety” that complicates and can even ruin successive attempts. After the first failed performance, it starts an anxiety state that compromise that mental serenity needed to successfully enjoy sex. A failure follows the other, and this increase the anxiety and brings more failures, and so on.

Like in every cases of “sexual performance anxiety”, to avoid entering in this vicious circle, you should avoid frantically looking for reassurances of your good functioning, because this activity inevitably leads to an increased anxiety that feeds the mechanism again.

There is absolutely no judgment in my words, but it seems to me that you are the one that is unconsciously negatively judging what you are doing, and this generates that emotional tension that leads to problematic performances.

A self-analytic reflection could give you the answers that you are really looking for.

Best wishes

Answer:

Roberto Melloni

Question:

Mario, 42 years old

Publication Date: 05/14/2007

Check out the original article here

Alcohol and social anxiety

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Doctors, I will explain you my situation. I have been shy with girls since I was a kid. In fact, people considered me a bit naïve, and girls did not like me. I have never been in a relationship, even in a short one. This went on until I was 19 years old. One day, during a party with friends, I began drinking alcohol (I never drunk before).

Initially, the effect was very positive. While bar hopping, all the girls I met on my way wanted to chat with me. Alcohol’s effects made me very confident. Since I started to drink every weekend, I met plenty of girls and I had many “relationship”. These were always short-lived, and without much emotional involvement. I never exposed myself with girls that I was actually interested in, because I feared to be refused. At this point of my life I realized that I couldn’t go on like this, and I would like to be intriguing without being tipsy.

How can I talk with a girl that I really like without looking clumsy?

Answer:

Dear Fabio, clearly there is no seduction pill or magic spell that will make you “intriguing.” Charm comes from the value that you give to yourself, regardless of the answer (positive or negative) that you receive from the world. If you learn how to like and respect yourself (without becoming blind to reality, or disrespectful to others) you will obtain respect and recognition consequentially. It is not about beauty (and I believe you already understood this), but about inner peace and harmony.

Alcohol and drugs attracts insecure people because they inhibit their self-critical judgment. This way though, the problem worsens because it is not faced, and because alcohol and drugs gives bad side effects both physically and psychically.

My suggestion is to try to understand which were the events that convinced you that you are not good enough to fulfill yours and others’ expectations. Then you should analyze them and find in yourself the confidence that you are looking for, because that can never come from outside. Of course, you can visit a specialist to help you do this.

Good Luck

Answer:

Lara Scarsella, Psychotherapist

Question:

Fabio, 23 years old

Publication Date: 06/15/2007

Check out the original article here

Is it anxiety? Is it Panic?

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Dear Doctors,

 I have a simple question to ask. As I was leaving the house today, I had one of those feelings that people can have when they are facing an exam or they are emotional and scared: tachycardia, agitation, and I am sure that my hands were trembling as well. I was very much agitated and anxious, as if I was afraid of something even though there is nothing that justified it. I tried to assure myself verbally and called a friend in order to talk about something else. I did calm down after a while.

I want to ask if this could be a type of mini-panic attacks or maybe only a bit of repressed anxiety. I don’t think that I currently have huge problems; it could be because the attitude of my father is rather anxious when he thinks about my future: he would like me to have clear ideas, big projects, and to follow his ideas. However, this period is not one of the worse regarding this. In fact, last year he gave me a lot of anxiety always accusing me of “not having time” or “make the wrong choices” .. and always pointing out that I have the wrong life and how it contradicts everything he knows.

I am in University with maximum grades possible and in addition, taking a course for a degree outside of the university related to my studies, but it is never enough.

Excuse me, at last I’ve dwelt more than I intended to!

Thank you very much for the time that will be dedicated to me.

 Answer:

Good day Bruna,

It seems like you have already done the diagnosis and timely intervention, with their own means. I give you my compliments. You were cautious before concluding it to be panic attack; even if the symptoms that you’ve had do not differ in quality, but rather in intensity.

 As for your question, I would not define it as a repressed anxiety, but an anxiety that suddenly became manifested, in which the cause can be found in the relationship with the family. The continuing requests from your father to “do the best and doing it better” can generate a conflict between the desires to achieving goals following a plan and the need to please your parents. 

 The conflict that I am talking about is not seen by the discussions that you have with your father, but from you inside. In the unconscious part of your mind, you cannot agree on how to act and on what to obtain. As an example, it is almost like, even though you are always staying ahead and obtaining good grades in your studies, there is always a little voice that says “you have not done enough and your father is not happy.”

 If your relationship with your family continues in this way, most of your energies will be dispersed with anxiety and with non-satisfactions. These energies instead can be used to clarify with your father what he is doing and the goals he has for the future. If the conversation within your family is not sufficient to make any changes, you may contact a specialist that can help negotiate between. It would also be useful to find an individualized approach to establish a consistency in your mind so that you can create a harmonic and equilibrium act to pursue your dreams with better results and waste less of your energy.

 To conclude this, in order to find calmness and harmony within yourself and prevent anxiety attacks, you should learn the technics of relaxation that are simple but with great therapeutic effects; it would need to be practiced constantly and would be best if it is learned from an expert.
I wish you the best.

Answer:
Giovanni Iustulin: Psychotherapist
Question:
Bruna, 22 years old
Publication Date: 09/14/2006

For other articles on the topic check out Scared of everything and What is Anxiety Disorder
Check out the original article here

Sexual Behavior: Lack of sexual desire

-Library-

When one does not want to have sex, is it because of a lack of sexual desire as sexual dysfunction?

No, not always. Sex implies a deep communication between the partners, and to not live sex happily can be caused by many reasons. It is reductive to talk about lack of sexual desire. Before to talk about sexual dysfunctions it is important to check the quality of the relationship with the partner.

How to understand if the sexual partner is the right one?

Some questions can help: do you feel exited during erotic games? And during tactile stimulations? Do you enjoy touching each other? Do you feel physically attracted to each other? Do you feel comfortable being naked in front of your partner? Do you feel free of talking of what sexual practices you enjoy the most? Thinking about these questions might help you identifying the nature of the problem. Also, anxiety can interfere in the quality of the relationship.

What happens to a couple that can find happiness only during sexual intercourses? While during all the other times during the day they argue?

Arguments and discussions that fill the daily routine are the obvious symptom that something does not work properly. Sometimes it happens that the couple takes refuge in sex, to hide the fact that there are real problems. But to hide behind a fake comfort, over time, leads anyways to the decline of the relationship. Problems, as terrible and painful as they can be, have to be dealt with. Only this way it is really possible to recover the well being of the couple.

Is it true that arguments and discussions in a couple can also destroy its sexuality? Why?

The tensions generated by strong emotions, such as hostility, anger, fear of abandonment, or incontrollable jealousy, can start a sequence of behaviors that destroy in deep the relationship. Often couples do not realize that their relationship produced these emotions, and do not immediately see the destructive behaviors created by them. In these cases it is necessary to see, analyze, and modify these behaviors to break the vicious circle that feeds the problems.

Author: Patrizia Marzola, Psychologist

If you are interested in the topic, check out the article Sexual Behavior: High Sex Drive

Check out the original article here

Biting Fingernails

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

I keep biting and eating my nails and the skin around my fingernails since about 20 years. What actually worries me is that I cannot seem to be able to quit this habit, and that sometimes it gets painful and slightly bloody.

I put my hands in the mouth or pull the skin around my fingernails without even noticing, and even when I notice it I keep doing it…

Do I need a psychotherapist?

Answer:

Rick, to eat the skin around your fingernails and to bite your nails indicates an uneasiness that you feel when dealing with certain situations. This uneasiness can be linked to general causes or to particular episodes, and comes from personal insecurities that the subject feels when dealing with relations, performances, or new and sudden events. In these cases the subject feels anxiety, and does compulsive and repetitive actions to control it.

In your case, the pain caused by the biting, and the fact that you notice what you are doing, are enough to lower and control the anxiety, but they do not solve the problem that generates the anxiety itself. So, to solve this problem I suggest you to find its origin; the root that creates the behavior that after 20 years is starting to be problematic, especially for the physical consequences. You could visit a psychotherapist to help you get to the origin. 

Also, I suggest you to check your general health status, because the need of eating the skin around the fingernails could be caused by a deficiency of micronutrients like mineral salts and/or vitamins.

Best wishes

Answer:

Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist

Question:

Rick, 33 years old

Publication Date: 01/11/2007 

Check out the original article here

Hypochondria: fake sickness?

-Ask the Expert-

Question: 

My wife, 68 years old, always had an unnatural inclination to magnify any pain she perceived. This thing worsened with aging and now, after 40 years of marriage, it has become a real problem for my daughter and me.

My wife absorbs illnesses like a sponge, she continuously visits doctors, but she does not trust any of them, especially if the diagnoses are good. Anyone that dares to say that her pains are not real, or at least are magnified, becomes her enemy. She constantly talks about her sicknesses, and she would like to be assisted as sick.

I tried to tell her that she should be checked for hypochondria, but she told me that I am selfish, self-centered, and that I am the one who need psychological cures. I do not know how to handle this anymore; my life is becoming really hard. Please help. 

Answer:

I will not tell you the definition of hypochondria, since in few lines you made a great description of this problem. Hypochondria come from a wrong interpretation of non-pathological physical sensations, and it persists even when the subjects affected are reassured that no sickness has been detected.

Obviously, a complete medical evaluation needs to exclude any organic condition that might explain the physical symptoms of your wife. Sadly we know that this evaluation will not be sufficient to reassure the subject, but it is necessary for a psychotherapist to begin a therapy.

The problems come now, as you already experimented, since the subject will almost never accept the diagnosis of hypochondria. Almost always the subject will get mad when someone tells him that “there is nothing wrong”, or that their symptoms do not have a serious cause, because this contradicts what the subject actually feels. It is often more useful to tell this patients that they have an increased level of sensitivity of their physical perceptions.

There is also the risk that these subjects, with a history of whining, sometimes in life receive a wrong or superficial medical evaluation for sicknesses that actually exist. It is always better to be careful.

Hypochondriacs are actually sincere, they do not try to fake their symptoms; they actually feel them. Two thirds of the hypochondriacs are affected by multiple coexistent psychological disorders: Major depression, panic attacks, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder.

According to the psychoanalytical theory, the subject is scared to die because unconsciously wants to die. Hypochondriacs want to feel sick, because as long as they are sick, there will be someone out there that want them alive; as long as they are sick, they do not risk to die.

One of the most indicated therapies for hypochondria is the “behavioral cognitive therapy”. In this therapy, the patient learns new thinking paths and more functional behavioral modes, trying to get rid of the vicious circle that is hypochondria. Sadly, to cure hypochondria can be pretty difficult, since the subjects almost never fully believe that the origin of their pain is only psychological. Most of them do not want to start a therapy, since they feel accused of making up their symptoms, or because they believe that their doctor or family want to get rid of them.

In conclusion, hypochondriacs need their symptoms because they need attentions, so unconsciously they do not want to heal because they are worried that they will be abandoned when this will happen.

I do not know which are the deep, new and old, motivations that your wife has to feel sick. Of course, telling her that she is crazy is not going to help. It would be useful to try to make her understand that “some of her sicknesses” can be cured with the help of a psychotherapist. Not to cure the mind itself, but to help the mind to cure the body, and to be reassured that, even when she will feel better, she will not be alone.

Answer:

Giovanni Iustulin, Psychotherapist

Question: Joe, 69 years old

Publication Date: 06/26/2006

Check out the original article here