Jelousy in relationships

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hello,

I am a 33 years old women that is currently in a loving relationship, maybe, for the first time in my life. Until now, I've lived in a state of confusion and have had many dates in the past, few of them however ever even got close to the idea of a relationship. Right now, I am with this person with who I've discussed all my life; he knows everything about me, my sex background, and the difficult life that I've had. We were not friends yet when I told him about my past sexual experiences; but this is the cause of my problems today. It has only been 3 months that we are together even if the discussions make it seem like it's been years. 

The main point is that he doesn't accept some of my past behaviors, specifically in a particular situation regarding sex. He admits that he is closed-minded and macho regarding this argument but that is just who he is. I see his effort to want to overcome this argument and on the other hand, he feels bad, changes mood, and hides himself from me because he doesn't want me to see him in this state; even if I am always available and open to discuss them. We are still going forward in our relationship, driven by strong feelings towards each other, but it seems to be that our relationship is a bit auto-destructive despite our efforts to grow together. It is in our personality to bring about certain arguments. Another thing particular is that when we stay together, we are a very joyful couple while these harder discussions happens only when we talk on the phone. 

I would like to help, but I don't know what is considered being in a healthy relationship and I don't know to what point can he continue to suffer for this. My dilemma is how can he overcome these actions of my past but continue to love me?

Shouldn't one accept both the good and the bad of their love ones?

Answer:

Dear Maddalena, I've read your inquiry with attention regarding your courage and the difficulties that you are facing with your partner. I find it very important for you, along with your partner, to see a psychologist specialized in couple's relationships if you really intend to find a effective, valid, and mutual relationships to your current problem. Although, I also intend to offer my point of view professionally hoping that I can give you a direction and the first possibility regarding your partner that is positive. 

It is not concentrated on your partner, on his way to handle this relationship, or on his inability to accept your past love. It is, instead, it is attentively concentrated on your feelings, on your way of loving and on your feelings that you have for your partner. Don't live with facts like your partner, that in addition makes himself feel bad and pushes away feelings and the feelings that he have for you. The facts, the situations, and the circumstances, including the past are fixed; they will not change. 

In fact, they have disadvantages, like how it is happening to you two, that poisons the love relationship and consequently, the sensibility and empathy for each other that should instead grow and developing with each day. The fact that your partner insist and persist on your past love life can be destructive if we do not define it clearly, much like the absence of self confidence, low self-esteem, and especially the difficulty on focusing on loving you.

I believe that your relationship and your communication is, right now, far from healthy. It seems instead to be in a dangerous loop around each-other's past. It is important to substitute emotions and feelings to the facts and these feelings must be lived and shared in the present.

This is what you should both work for if you want to improve your relationship. Do not talk about facts. Talk about feelings, focus on the emotions, and on your love for each-other. Focus on the present. Rather than your rationality, you should trust your feelings. 

If doing so is going to be difficult, then it is necessary -if you want to keep the relationship alive- that you meet with a professional.

I hope I have been of some help. Good luck.

 

Answer:
Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist
Question: 

Maddalena, 33 years old
Publication Date: 03/25/2007

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