Is it her personality?

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Question:

Good day doctors, I would like an explanation on the behavior of the woman that helps me with my domestic chores. Ever since she’s step foot in my house, she is constantly venting and bad-mouthing her in-laws in an obsessive and repetitive way. When her in-laws are dead, she finds another person to hate: the sister-in-law! Ignoring the fact that this sister-in-law (after various arguments I assume) is the same sister that helps her buy groceries! After complaining about every single relative possible, now she is arguing against another woman that, like me, uses her for her domestic service.

I know this woman quite well and we hang out quite often; it irritates me to have to listen to negative things about her. I realized after a while that the domestic worker needs to always hate someone. She is extremely touchy and sensitive to a point that if you are making eye contact or observing her for any reason, she can be so irritated that she cries. She has very childish attitudes (even if she is past 50 years old) in a way that if she breaks only a glass (which can happen to everyone) she tends to hide it.

I would like to know if she has some sort of disorder or if it is just part of her personality. I am baffled and I don’t know how to deal with her anymore, even if until now I’ve adopted a friendly behavior.

Thank You.

Answer:

Dear Anna, Unfortunately instructions on how to interact or deal with people do not exist, and in particular people like the one that you’ve described. From your mail it is clear that some of the characteristics of your worker definitely makes the relationship between you two difficult, but what is not clear is the reason you keep letting her work at your house. Being extremely touchy and sensitive (and therefore unable to deal with being observed by others), trying to hide his/her own errors, and individualizing a “scapegoat” that she can direct all of her rage and use it to “explain to herself” all that is wrong with her life, are signs of a deep psychological disorder.

If you’d like to form a hypothesis (surely a very risky one seeing how little elements there are to base it on), you can say that she is a person that is excessively insecure, that is strongly afraid of being criticized and judged and therefore became extremely critical and aggressive towards others. If we look back on your relationship with this person, my advice is to take her how she is, keeping in mind that at the roots of her behavior there is surely a psychological ailment.

And if you are unable to tolerate her talking bad about your friend anymore you have all the rights to tell her; in any ways, keep in mind that anyone of your statements can become a form of aggression for this woman. If it is not already like this, you can become one of the people that she talks bad about with someone else. Hope that this was able to help, best wishes.

Answer:
Manuela Biagi, Psychologist
Question:
Anna, 54 years old
Publication Date:
10/31/2006 

Check out the original article here

Fear of Depression

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Question:

After 6 years away studying, I came back to my city and living in a bad moment of my life. My moods are constantly changing, up and down, and I am nervous, and feels like my wing has been clipped… My morals are extremely low… will I sink into depression?

I now tend to isolate myself and not talk to anyone. I am scaring myself.

Answer:

Dear Manuela,

Having past 6 years away from the city that you live certainly means the construction of a social context in which you are comfortable in; the first of your young adulthood, it is important and significant because of the people that you’ve encounter as well as for the internal formations that took place. Because of this, having left everything can have a feeling of uprooting with a sense of emptiness and disorientation that can explain your constant up and down mood swings. Also due to having lost the strong anchor that you’ve had before and not having found that yet, you can feel like a fluttering balloon that has no control of where it goes and have the sensation that you’ve lost the right equilibrium.

There’s also the need to understand whether the environment that you’ve returned to is still suitable for you and how much you’ve grown in this 6 years somewhere else. Maybe you expected to come back and find everything how you’ve left them but instead they’ve changed, and the reason not being other than you’ve changed and you see things differently than you otherwise would. It can also be the disappointment that follows when you exit from childhood, when you have responsibilities, after studying, to compose yourself like an adult like looking for a job. And if you already have one, it would be the responsibility of having to work and make a plan for your life that is not based on dreams and desires. At this time, you are face with the limitations of reality and at the same time need to be open for possibilities because resources can present themselves at unexpected times and you need to realize it when it happens. Do not ever feel like your wings are clipped.

If the loss that we are talking about including a physiological effect, it is a sign and also a stimulus to pursue new guidelines to follow, create new relational networks with people, and even discover new places within your city that you were not aware of before. It was not mentioned that whether or not returning to your city also means returning to your family and this, on an unconscious level, can represent a form of regression that tends to destabilize you. Specifically if your parents, more or less knowingly, began to treat you like the child that they have then instead of the young women that you’ve become.

Consider the signals that your emotions are sending you, bring yourself to your actual current situation without fear, but instead, consider them important messages that you need to understand better and therefore to make choices more adequate to your purpose and to your goals. Listen to them, eventually through guided routines, you can rekindle your motivations and your resources will present themselves. Remember, both your motivations and resources are urged and they emerge with an incredible amount of strength when there is a destination, a purpose, and a goal to achieve. Maybe it is this that they are signaling to you the symptoms that you are describing: what you want in respect of what you already have and are they enough? What are the directions in obtaining what you want? With what means can you arrive to your purpose and your goal?

Best wishes.

Answer:
Patrizia Napoleone, Psychotherapist
Question:
Emanuela, 25 anni
Publication Date: 10/09/2006

Check out the original article here

Fear of exams

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Question:

Hello, I am a 20 years old student that currently studies at a university. My problem is that I am experiencing blocks with my study. I study, I prepare, but I am terrorized by exams. When I know that an exam is imminent, whether near or far, I start to sweat and I feel a heavy weight oppressing my stomach. 

The closer the exam, the worse I become, sometimes I even break down in tears. I’ve re-arranged all of my exams for this but the last incident was evident. I prepared great before the exam, but when I arrived at the university to take the exam I felt pretty much absent-minded. I could not bring myself close to the classroom and I went away tearing. What can this be? Is there a cure? 

Who can I turn for help? Thank you for responding.

Answer:

Dear Emanuele, I want to reassure you immediately that there is a solution for what you are going through. Your problem, specifically the mental block before taking an exam, enters into the categories of disorders, or anxiety neurosis. However, it can also be attributed to low self-esteem, or lack of trust in self. I would like to suggest to you to not focus all of your attention, your worries, your life, and yourself only on the problem: “how do I overcome this mental block with my study.” Instead, I think, it is important that you ask yourself, if the study block might be hiding something other problems. That it is trying to hint at something unconscious.

Therefore, choose to site with a psychotherapist that can facilitate a solution not only for the study block but also so that you can live knowingly, with better self-esteem, trust, and self-determination. I hope in this hasty response I was able to help. In any case, I hope you find the best way to live and to make your life function. 

Best wishes. 

Answer:

Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist

Question:

Emanuele, 20 years old

Publication Date: 05/19/2008

Loneliness in Relationship

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Question:

Dear Doctor Zampiron,

I ask genuinely for you to take a look at a husband that repeatedly visited sites from swingers to those for homosexual regardless of consequences. Every time that I discover him continuing this foul act he assures me that it is only a virtual contact and he promised me he would not do it again… but instead he repeatedly violates this promise. 

He tells me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am very disappointed that I lost trust; I feel nothing besides full of rage. From one of your TV interviews, you’ve said that it is necessary to communicate but I continue to ask for clarifications while he stays in deep silence in a way that it offends me. 

I am known to be an intelligent person that since the first offense, I tried to have an open mind without being judgmental. Please help me because I want to save this relationship… to the point that I would like to have a direct consultation. Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Stella,

I understand your delusion and the rage that you have when you knew, when you realized and feels “loneliness” in a couple’s relationship. I am on the understanding that, the most important aspect for a good, complete, satisfying, and serene communication between people is principally based on the ability to listen openly for comprehension and to support each other in case of great difficulties. 

It is necessary that between the people themselves to stabilize a relationship based on trust and on security and the transparency in certain situations when it comes down to feelings and emotional experiences. 

In this case, the person who is betrayed of trust and transparency of feelings usually suffers from rage and delusion from the offense, the betrayal that is received from the other.

Rage, delusion, and betrayal comes, like this, lives in even and especially in the relationship of couples when the emotional stability, for some reason, needs to change. Referring to your situation, Stella, I can deduce that your husband, while loving you, discovered an interest, a sexual desire that he wants to satisfy but he is ashamed or have negative feelings and emotions within himself. 

These can be the main reason for your partner to act through denying the problem itself and not allowing for a cleared and transparent conversation with you on this topic, compromising instead the stability and the feelings of the relationship between a couple.

Best wishes.

Answer:

Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist

Question: 

Stella, 42 years old

Publication Date: 02/16/2009

Check out the original article here

Fear of the Dark

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Question:

Dear Doctors,

I really need help! I am 22 years old, an age too old to be afraid of the dark I would say!

I am thinking for my future, of when I have to go and live alone… I can’t constantly be going around with a torch in my pocket! Every time that the lights go away, I begin to cry, becomes frightened, and I sit on the floor and possibly with my back to the wall. 

I become incapable of moving.. not even to go look for a torch or a candle! I am afraid that there is someone or that someone will enter. When I go around the house, I need to first turn on the light before entering the room. And if I turn off the lights in the room that leads into my bedroom, 

I always look over my shoulders because I am worried that someone is following me. I must always sleep with a little light (unless there is someone else near me that makes me feel safe) and with my back to the wall! I am already constantly frightened, but it triples if I have bad dreams!

What can I do? Is there a therapy good enough to take away this phobia?

Thanks for the Help!

Answer:

Yes dear Valentina, There is.

Because you see, fear is not something that happens and that’s it; it has deep roots and always a meaning for us and for our life. You can say that it is the way that our consciousness, when it’s not heard, expresses itself. Of course that at times it will make us uncertain, we don’t understand it and we can’t find a reason that explains it all, but that is how it functions. 

Fear serves as your defense. From who? Well… this is what you must find by yourself because no one else can tell you: only you can understand it with some help from a professional that can give you the tools to help you succeed.

It’s not easy to simply take away the fear of the dark, because In this case you could be not afraid of the dark anymore but immediately become terrorized by seeing a dog, or entering into an elevator, or in a million of other situations that can project your fears. 

Try to understand why you’ve chose (unconsciously) this type of defense and why you’ve expressed it in this way and how can you overcome your fears. But remember that we cannot disregard or throw away a defense before understanding what it serves… or we can find ourselves in worse danger! So dear Valentina, I believe it is time to think about getting help also because at 22 years old, it is much easier than how much you believe.

I wish you the best. 

Answer:
Livia Tedaldi, Psychologist 

Question: Valentina, 22 years old
Publication Date: 03/31/2006 

Check out the original article here 

A workaholism problem

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Question:

Hi, I just found out about work addiction. I realized that I am unable to stop working after the end of my word-day. I always go around with work folders to complete, even at home. I am unable to just sit down and chill without doing anything, I am always busy doing something for someone else, and always frustrated, because I do not receive the expected gratifications.

So, after my 3-weeks vacation, I am filled with projects about leaving my job soon, and after a week I already find it impossible, I am already full of stuff to do for other people. I never ask for more work, but I am unable to refuse it when offered. Where can I find the resources to stop this habit? My three weeks of vacations were spent taking care of my problematic intestine, that I did not know have so many problems.

Thank You.

Answer:

Dear Adriana, first of all, well done. Well done for taking care of yourself by writing this message. It is a good start to open doors to hope, those doors that you close all the time you accept other people's work. You say that you do not ask for these additional work (are you sure?), and you say that you do not refuse it (are you sure?).

What actually happens is that you, without realizing it, ask for it, and then refuse it. You ask them, to be busy with something and forget about yourself.

Do you know why you want to forget about yourself? Because you feel “unable”. Unable to sit down and relax, unable to leave your job...

To cover this idea that you have about yourself, you feel forced to show others (and sadly not yourself) that you are able. So you accept more work than necessary, postponing and accumulating in your intestine your real needs.

You say that you are always frustrated because you do not receive the expected gratifications: but this is the obvious consequence for who does not look at his/her own needs and waits, like a child, to be gratified by others.

The real gratification comes from being able to see, recognize, and give space to your own needs. It is obvious, and maybe even fair, that it was your intestine that took those 3 weeks of vacation. Your intestine did not block you, it just invited you to take care of your body.

Sadly it was not fully listened to, like you, most likely, were not fully listened to by your mother when you were a child. Your intestine was not understood in its somatic language, that is not the one of work-folders or of co-workers' job.

What do you say about leave to the others their duties, and to begin to take care of your own?

Where to find the resources? Maybe you can start say NO more often to others, and say YES more often to yourself, to your intestine, to your body, and -why not?- to your rage and emotions.

You have the resources, but you used them all for others and do not leave any for yourself. The equilibrium between yes and no should always be even.

Since you like to take care of other people's needs, why do not you take care of the need of the “other Adriana”? Open the doors of hope and gratification to yourself, or the risk is that next summer 3 weeks will not be enough.

Good luck, and feel free to contact me if advice is needed.

Answer:

Giuseppe Luigi Esposito, Psychotherapist

Question:

Adriana, 55 years old

Publication Date: 09/19/2009

Check out the original article here

Fear of Commitment

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Question:

Dear Doctors,

I hope to learn whether or not you can help me with my problems with your suggestions. I am 38 years old and legally separated from my husband for 6 months after only 3 years of marriage without any kids. We have been engaged very happily and without any abuses for 12 years. My husband, according to him and everyone else, is devoted to me and adores me. Me on the other hand, even when loving him, have always been more cold and rational, a trait that links back to my family. Imagine that I’ve married after 2 years that he’s asked me and I’ve was even stalling on the decision to have kids regardless of his initial requests. But when I’ve decided to follow his request, we were separated. We’ve never lived together because he works and lives in a different city from where I work. To be honest, I never even joined him during the summer because knowing him, who is devoted to work, would not listen to me. On the other hand, this is why we don’t stay good together but he doesn’t say it to me because some things are not meant to be said…

After the death of a co-worker who did the same job, He became worse and absorbed himself completely in work. Because of this, I began to complain every time we see each other and stopped giving him serenity because he is tide between work and me. After 2 months, during yet another one of my complaints, he told me that he is not sure that he wants to stay with me anymore because his 2 great passions, his job and I, clashed together and he is not able to re-conciliate it anymore. In addition, he has suffered a lot being alone for such a long time; but he is used to it and enjoys staying this way. Thus, having understood that he finds it difficult to live together as a couple, something inside him broke and his life is ruined because you only love once in your life. He also constantly reminds me that I’ve never understood any of his problems when he is always aware of mines and my anxiety (I was suffering constantly from anxiety and panic attacks). I’m almost sure that he does not have and he’s never had another woman even now. After a week, with my anguish and his (he was vomiting), He decided to leave me and he asked me immediately for separation because he wanted to closed this chapter of his life instantly and he doesn’t want to turn back. We haven’t heard from each other for 4 months (I learned in the meanwhile that he completed a job that is very dangerous) and after one of my letters, a bit before the separation, we saw each other for the first time and he showed me his more fragile side like before. The day before the separation he wanted to see me, and he told me that he loved staying with me, and that he doesn’t want to risk his life for work anymore and that decision of the day after does not need to be so defined. And he told me the same thing again the day of.

We started seeing each other again after that. Not even a month after, once I learn that he is moving to a city further away, he asked me to follow him definitely once the school year is finished (I am a teacher). He also asked me to be a little bit more patient because he feels very fragile and he wanted to go on with care for the fear of suffering again. I went with him. He introduced me to all of his new colleague as his wife, and he called two friends to announced that we are pretty much getting back together. After a month and a half, I felt him distant from me again and then he told me that it is better for me not to follow him because he doesn’t want to move too fast. He is not putting his hands up in defense but only to show me that he is not an unconscious psycho, and that he has a great respect for me, and that he loves me. But he doesn’t want to suffer anymore and if we get back together it has to be for the whole life. He confessed that he is depressed, works too much (day and night) in order to not have to think, to not be so stressed because now, different from before, he likes his job a lot and he’s reached an equilibrium that he did not have before. He also added that when he is angry, he needs to be left alone, more now because he’s never been in this situation before. But anyways, if we are separated in the future, it is not my fault. He became aggressive, egotistic, self-fish, intolerant, nervous, he pride himself for his work, and he does nothing besides talking about his work in an obsessive way. Where is the sweet, patient, and understanding boy that I knew for 14 years?

We talk every day but we rarely see each other. Only after the separation that I understand how much I love him (I never told him), I admit my guilt and I can’t excuse myself even though he told me that he also committed the greater errors but the problem lies within us both. I don’t know what to do, how to help him if he doesn’t want external help. I don’t want to end our story and want to clarify if it is a problem of feelings or something more complex. Thanks for your advises, I really do need them. 

Answer:

Dear Cati,

The thing that is most obvious from what you wrote is the difficulty that you both have in living in a real relationship. Your relationship seems to always have been a “chasing game” (When one runs away, the other chases and vice versa). This kind of conflict is usually caused by the combination of the need to have a relationship and the fear to have one. The causes of this subconscious behavior can be found in the past of each individual. Generally, every person is afraid to completely let him/her self go for the fear of appearing naked in front of others and becoming too vulnerable. There are some family situation and personal experiences that make certain individuals more fragile and scared of being committed. In these cases, problems like yours happen; always chasing and looking for something but never able to reach it. It’s hard if not impossible to be able to come out without outside help. It is like trying to help someone out of a well while being inside the well yourself. It’s necessary to find a third person that throws a rope. If your husband doesn’t want to see psychotherapeutic help, you can start it and it will benefit you both. 

Answer:

Lara Scarsella, Psychotherapist

Question: 

Cati, 38 years old 

Publication Date: 10/02/2008

Check out the original article here

Rage Attacks

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Question:

Hi, I have a problem. I often have rage attacks, i destroy objects and I physically assault people. When the rage fades away, I am left terribly ashamed of myself. 

The targets have always been my boyfriends.

Answer:

Dear Cinzia,

I understand that the frequent rage rushes that you have do not make you live well, regardless of the shame that comes after. After all, rage is the product of the frustration caused by an unsatisfied need, and rage also is often the veil that hides the real need that has to be fulfilled.

This is how the unsatisfied need become an existential problem.

In other words, rage prevents us to understand what is the real need, and this is usually affective. The fact that the targets are always your boyfriends suggests that the emotional need is linked to your relation with men.

So, even though you vent your frustration out instead of keeping it inside, the real problem stays alive and unsolved. Basically, there is an unsatisfying relation with men, and there is your need to solve it. 

But when problems are not properly faced, some behaviors and emotions can instinctively emerge, and become a rage rush. Those actions will later make you ashamed, because they are not perceived as adequate and pertinent.

Ask yourself why you have this rage against objects and boyfriends. Try to understand which are the situations and the external stimuli that make the rage grow, and especially, try to let emerge all your emotions and feelings along with the rage.

Cinzia, my suggestion is to individuate and accept the “real problem” that is buried under the rage. When this will be done, you will be able to face it in a decisive and serious way, so to find a personal equilibrium and a serene emotional relation with people, situations, and the objects around you.

Best Wishes.

Answer:

Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist

Question:

Cinzia, 35 years old

Publication Date: 10/14/2006

Check out the original article here

Addicted to frienship?

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Question:

I could not believe that i would suffer so much. I could not believe that i would feel such an intense and intolerable pain, and that i would feel it for such a long time. I did not know that the end of a friendship could cause such violent and intense suffering. I am here to ask for a suggestion.

David is, or maybe was, my best friend. He was my friend since many years, almost since forever. He is a complicated person, full of problems, he is introverted and younger than me. He entered in the endless spiral of depression, and then worsened the things with alcohol.

All this for problems related to his family, his relationships, and much more things.

I “saved” him countless times, taking him completely drunk out of some bar, or simply making him talk to get over his suicide threats. It was an error.

I substituted myself to a professional figure that certainly could have helped him way better, and would not get involved emotionally. There was a sort of transfert..If he was happy, I was too. When he fell into the deep of his depression, I felt great anxiety and fear. 

Then he got over that dark period. And he literally kicked me out of his life. We had a ferocious argument, and he absurdly accused me, my availability, and my efforts. He never talked to me again, not even to say sorry for the harsh words he used against me. Even if it might seem incredible, i felt his pain when he was suffering. 

I would have done anything to make him feel better. I intimately and deeply shared his pain, and i wonder, now, if I deserved what then happened to me.

The answer is NO. I do not deserve such a treatment. I just want respect, at least for what I have done and I have been through because of him.

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Rae, I read your letter word by word, and I write you what i think from your own words. I hope this will help you.

Come out from your suffering? Let's clarify. Which suffering? I want to highlight that a psychological consult, like a psychotherapy, can solve the problems of a “neurotic” suffering, but cannot solve an existential pain, that is part of the negative side of life. It is not right or wrong, it just happens.

I will explain better. If you succeed into healthily resetting your emotional responses, you can come out from the loop of pain you seem to be in; but you will not be able to avoid the existential pain of the human disappointment that you faced.

That will always be part of your life experience, but it will not cause additional pain if you can accept and solve it emotionally.

Did you make a mistake into trying to solve the problem of your friend? Humanly, certainly not. But it is impossible to help who does not want to be helped. The alcoholic that does not say “help me, I am an alcoholic”, is not help-able, not even professionally. 

But this is not the main point, i think.

What really happened is that the big problem of a person that you cared about clashed against your feeling of power, and that made you fall into an addiction yourself.

We can be addicted to substances, but also to persons or situations. That situation became your addiction as much as the bottle was his. You need to recognize your addiction from that situation, not as a self-critic moral act, but as an explanation of your psychological state of mind, and as the first step in your path towards independence. You lost independence: that situation sucks you in, exactly like a drug could do.

Your letter to me is a partial understanding of your condition itself. You are on the right path, understand it, walk through it, and at the end you will find your solution. Only like this you will find a possible help, as opposed to the help that you gave him, that was impossible.

Good luck

Answer:

Roberto Melloni, Psychotherapist

Question:

Rae, 46 years old

Publication Date: 07/18/2008

Check out the original article here

Do abused become abusers?

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Question:

Dear Doctors, i will really like to have an explanation for something that i try to understand since a long time. I have been abused (sexually and emotionally), by my father and my family from youth to adolescence. I told my doctor and my mother, but nobody did anything.

I will skip the details to do not make this question become too long.

I got married, I lost three children because of anatomical malfunctions of the womb.

Now i have a 5 years old kid, Francesco.

I have been the eye-witness during a trial against a pedophile. I went to college and study psychology to try to understand, and to try to cure myself from the multiple behavioral weirdness that characterize me. I am about to finish college and i bless the day that I decided to apply.

My curiosity is this: how is it possible to develop a sensibility and a behavior exactly opposite to the one that was suffered? Basically, why am i so different from my family?

I am doing a psychotherapy since 2 years, and i succeeded in becoming a bit more detached and selfish...but it is still too little to make the idiots that surround me respect me (read: my family).

Studying development psychology, i read that only 15% of the abused subjects does not take the same deviated career, but for the rest there is no hope.

The first time they told me this info, I was 22 years old and I got so scared of being a pedophile, that I was not able to take a bath for my kid.

Thanks to the psychotherapy, now things are better, way better. But i would like to understand why that 15% is sane regardless of the past, the context, and the negative and destructive surrounding emotions.

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Cynthia, i hope that your doubt, that seems to be a little bit obsessive, will dissolve in time also thanks to the help of psychotherapy. That is the best place to communicate your thoughts, your fantasies, and your doubts.

What I can tell you is that you seem to be a person that succeeded and is succeeding, regardless of the hard experience of the past, in finding your personal path made of victories, bravery, and confidence.

Probably you are naturally equipped with a personality that contributed to make your resolute temperament, and that the abusive experience did not break.

You chose to be a good and responsible person, and you want to give what you did not receive in your life: love, respect, trust. In your life you saw evil, but you chose goodness.

I believe that you should let go of your doubt, and believe that you are the good person that you seem to be.

Best wishes

Answer:

Maddalena Bazzoli, Psychotherapist

Question:

Cynthia, 32 years old

Publication Date: 01/24/2008

Check out the original article here

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder & Hypnosis

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Question:

Hello, i have a simple and straightforward question: is it possible, through hypnosis, to delete completely and permanently part of one's past from memory?

Thank you for your answer.

Answer:

Dear Jane, i could straightforwardly answer you no. But that would not be the truth, because the truth is way more complicated than that.

I will explain better: when we -as human beings- have to face very stressful situations, our nervous system fixes these times in our memory, and they often become knots of anxiety and distress.

This means that, in some unfortunate cases, we are forced to live always focusing on these chunks of memory; this causes us to suffer, and gives us the feeling that time never passed, and that our future will not exist. Always remember that this experience is only determined by the way our minds work, and it is not reality.

What i just described you is what who suffers from a condition called “Post-traumatic stress disorder” experiences usually. As you can imagine, this kind of disorder is particularly constraining, because the subject perceives time as in a story that never ends and always comes back to the starting point.

What can be done? The answer is clear: it is not possible to delete memories, but it is possible to reallocate those memories within a story that is able to create an evolutionary patch in the subject's experience.

In order to achieve this, hypnosis is a valuable tool, because through the alteration of the state of consciousness of the subject, it is possible to modify the emotional answer to certain memories, so to give back to the subject a feeling of control over his reality.

Dear Jane, I do not know what happened to you, but what i can tell you as a psychotherapist is that what you are living right now is only part of a narrative structure that caged you in a game without end, a tale that loops taking away your ability to make projects for the future.

I will conclude quoting an ancient Greek philosopher, Epictetus, in the hope that will bring you some hope: “Not things, but opinions about things, trouble men.”

Good luck.

Answer:

Paolo Chellini, Psychotherapist

Question:

Jane, 25 years old

Publication Date: 03/19/2008

Check out the original article here

Coping with sickness

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Question:

Dear Experts, i am a 31 years old woman, I am the mom of a 5 years old boy, and i had many projects. At least until 15 days ago...They diagnosed me, all of a sudden, a multiple sclerosis.

From that moment, my life stopped.

I cannot perceive myself as the same person, the same mother, the same wife. Even though i try as much as i can to don't leave myself the time to think about it, every night I am in tears. I keep my few smiles for my boy, i do not want him to perceive my pain.

Barely a semester is left before my master in psychology, but I am not sure anymore that i will have the mental strength to finish it. How can i find again the strength to keep going ?

Thank You in advance.

Answer:

Dear Erika, the discovery of such a complex sickness surely brought up very unpleasant emotions: stupor, frustration, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, and negative thoughts about your future. I understand you very well, because i already had been close to persons that have been diagnosed with severe illnesses: sclerosis, cancer, diabetes.

From my experience i had the chance to notice how the mix of medical and psychological cures can lead to the recovery some times, or to the stall (to a non dangerous step) of the sickness.

Your are not the sickness, you have the sickness. Plato used to say: "There is no point in trying to heal the body without healing the soul." In fact, i think that the real healing begin within your consciousness, and one of the easiest way to reach it is through emotions.

So I suggest you to:

1) take all the medical exams to evaluate the step and severity of the sickness;

2) Begin with the pharmacological therapies that the doctor will prescribe you;

3) Work on the emotional blocks related to this experience, in order to reach a full consciousness of yourself, and of the psychological mechanisms that are involved.

This will also help you after the graduations, to better decide which specialization to pursue. I am sure that you will do well, good luck!

Answer:

Ornella Furlani, psychotherapist

Question:

Erika, 31 years old

Publication Date: 05/24/2010

Check out the original article here

 

What is Compulsive Hoarding?

-Library-

How many times before to throw away some old object you thought: “Should I keep it? Maybe it will be useful...?” It is never easy to let go of our stuff, but there are people for whom it is almost impossible. They cannot distinguish between what is important and what is not; they are affected by a pathology: Compulsive Hoarding.

What is Compulsive Hoarding? 

Let's see.

Compulsive Hoarding is often defined as “pathological collecting,” and its is the pathological tendency to keep massive amounts of useless objects to the point that parts of the house (if not the whole house) of the affected become uninhabitable. This usually creates many problems in the life of the subjects, one of them being that they are constantly forced to justify themselves in front of family and friends.

Why do compulsive hoarders keep so much “useless junk” around? Researchers have found that the hoarders are excessively involved towards their properties. Every old grocery receipt, or depleted pen is perceived as part of the subject's person and of his past; so these objects that most people would define “junk”, have a great emotional importance for the hoarder. 

Also, it exists a “functional” hoarding: some compulsive hoarder do not throw away the old hairdryer, or the old toaster, because they believe that they might be useful in the future.

The accumulation of stuff is directly related to complications in planning and organizing: those affected by pathological collecting have limited “mental categories”, and problems in cataloging objects.

Some researches in neuroscience show that the brains of the hoarders handles the problem “throw away or not?” in a very different way from “normal” brains. Specifically, the prefrontal cortex reacts very energically when the subjects are asked to throw away old things. This cerebral area is also stimulated when there is a need to take difficult decisions, or to evaluate feelings or rational thoughts. In fact, compulsive hoarders often lack of decision-making skills.

When a subject recognizes as exaggerate his tendency to keep his stuff , he should see a psychotherapist. Sadly though, compulsive hoarding is only discovered after the subject see a therapist, because it is almost never the original reason. This happens because many compulsive hoarders suffer from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. One of those reasons is usually what make them set their first appointments.

An efficient therapy includes many exercises to learn how to organize one's mind and how to take decisions, so to lead the patients to reconsider their relations with old, broken, or worthless objects.

Source: http://www.crescita-personale.it/

Publication Date: 09/21/2012

Check out the original article here

Affected by Sexual Addiction

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

I have a huge problem! I am affected by sexual addiction. To make you better understand the gravity of my situation, I will say this: in 3 months I had sex with about 30 different guys.

Now I found a person that I like and I want to stay with, and that apparently succeeded in stopping my impulses! But I am scared that it will come back.

Answer:

Dear Gio, you talk about sexual addiction, but I do not know if this diagnosis comes from a professional, or if it is your perception based on your behavior.

However, I guess that right now the situation is very difficult for you. Like it happens in drug addiction, what you are addicted to is a mean to alleviate pain, stress, and anxiety. In the specific case of sexual addiction, for example, it could be your way to fill an intense need for affection and gentleness. It could be a request for attentions, or even a confirmation of your physical aspect (to reinforce your self-esteem).

Whatever is the motivation that leads you to have so many sexual intercourses, It seems that it makes you live sexuality in an obsessive way, to the point that it creates a vicious circle that becomes difficult to escape.

But now you found a person that you like, and it looks like he stopped your impulse. From your words, I imagine that you would like this relationship to last, and to be “healed” from your “sickness”. But you are scared that the impulse could come back.

I can understand what you are experiencing, so my suggestion is to contact a professional, possibly an expert in this type of addiction, so that he can do a more sharp diagnosis, and he can find the right way to make you live healthily your sexuality.

This means that you have to take the responsibility of accepting who you are, and of choosing the path that will let you have the best quality of life possible. You will have to work on yourself, and on what you want from yourself, from your sexuality, and from your relationships.

I wish you good luck.

Answer:

Giulia Checcucci, psychotherapist

Question:

Gio, 21 years old

Publication Date: 09/20/2010

For similar articles, check out Sexual Behavior: high sex drive

Check out the original article here

Jelousy in relationships

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hello,

I am a 33 years old women that is currently in a loving relationship, maybe, for the first time in my life. Until now, I've lived in a state of confusion and have had many dates in the past, few of them however ever even got close to the idea of a relationship. Right now, I am with this person with who I've discussed all my life; he knows everything about me, my sex background, and the difficult life that I've had. We were not friends yet when I told him about my past sexual experiences; but this is the cause of my problems today. It has only been 3 months that we are together even if the discussions make it seem like it's been years. 

The main point is that he doesn't accept some of my past behaviors, specifically in a particular situation regarding sex. He admits that he is closed-minded and macho regarding this argument but that is just who he is. I see his effort to want to overcome this argument and on the other hand, he feels bad, changes mood, and hides himself from me because he doesn't want me to see him in this state; even if I am always available and open to discuss them. We are still going forward in our relationship, driven by strong feelings towards each other, but it seems to be that our relationship is a bit auto-destructive despite our efforts to grow together. It is in our personality to bring about certain arguments. Another thing particular is that when we stay together, we are a very joyful couple while these harder discussions happens only when we talk on the phone. 

I would like to help, but I don't know what is considered being in a healthy relationship and I don't know to what point can he continue to suffer for this. My dilemma is how can he overcome these actions of my past but continue to love me?

Shouldn't one accept both the good and the bad of their love ones?

Answer:

Dear Maddalena, I've read your inquiry with attention regarding your courage and the difficulties that you are facing with your partner. I find it very important for you, along with your partner, to see a psychologist specialized in couple's relationships if you really intend to find a effective, valid, and mutual relationships to your current problem. Although, I also intend to offer my point of view professionally hoping that I can give you a direction and the first possibility regarding your partner that is positive. 

It is not concentrated on your partner, on his way to handle this relationship, or on his inability to accept your past love. It is, instead, it is attentively concentrated on your feelings, on your way of loving and on your feelings that you have for your partner. Don't live with facts like your partner, that in addition makes himself feel bad and pushes away feelings and the feelings that he have for you. The facts, the situations, and the circumstances, including the past are fixed; they will not change. 

In fact, they have disadvantages, like how it is happening to you two, that poisons the love relationship and consequently, the sensibility and empathy for each other that should instead grow and developing with each day. The fact that your partner insist and persist on your past love life can be destructive if we do not define it clearly, much like the absence of self confidence, low self-esteem, and especially the difficulty on focusing on loving you.

I believe that your relationship and your communication is, right now, far from healthy. It seems instead to be in a dangerous loop around each-other's past. It is important to substitute emotions and feelings to the facts and these feelings must be lived and shared in the present.

This is what you should both work for if you want to improve your relationship. Do not talk about facts. Talk about feelings, focus on the emotions, and on your love for each-other. Focus on the present. Rather than your rationality, you should trust your feelings. 

If doing so is going to be difficult, then it is necessary -if you want to keep the relationship alive- that you meet with a professional.

I hope I have been of some help. Good luck.

 

Answer:
Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist
Question: 

Maddalena, 33 years old
Publication Date: 03/25/2007

Check out the original article here

 

Urophobia: Fear of urinating in public

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hi, I am a 22 years old guy, and since about 2 months I found out that I am urophobic. Since I was a kid I had problems urinating in “public” places. For public I mean open (in the wild, for example), or crowded places. In general in any place that is not my house. I was always scared of being observed while doing my things. 

This did not prevent me to have a normal life, I traveled and visited many countries, because when I had to use the bathroom I always found some way to distract myself, and I eventually succeeded. Ever since my second year of college, though, I had to stay outside of my house for 12-14 hours a day, and I started not being able to use the bathroom anymore. I had painful anxiety crisis, with obsessive thoughts of having to force myself to urinate.

Sadly though, as a consequence of my anxiety, I began having issues such as pain and constant stimulus even after using the bathroom. I went to an urological visit, and they found a small inflammation of the prostate that could have justified my symptoms. After various cures and almost no results, I began having problems going out of my house in general (the idea of having to use the bathroom and be away from home became a horrible thought and caused me great anxiety.) 

The situation became even worser, and soon I was not able to urinate even in my house, this forced me to go to the hospital 5 times in great pain after non urinating for several days.

All the clinical exams that I took excluded organic causes. I decided to go to a psychiatrist that seem to not be aware of the existence of my pathology, and practically did not solve anything at all.

This fear prevents me to leave my house, to go to college, and to normally live like I did until a couple of months ago. Also, when I am under stress or I am unable to go to my home's bathroom, the anxiety grows to a point that I urinate wherever I am.

Can someone tell me what can I do? My life became impossible. 

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear George, I confess that I had to research the topic before to give you my answer, in fact I was not aware of the existence of this particular phobia, that seems actually to be more diffused in the recent years. Regardless of the particular shape that it has in your case, your problem is related to an anxiety disorder (in other cases it can manifests itself as a panic attack). 

The key to your problem lies in your words: “i was always scared of being observed”, -specifically- observed while your genitals are uncovered. I believe that the origin and the cure to your particular issue have to be searched in the events of your past related to your sexuality-affectivity. This from a psychological point of view.

 

On an energetic point of view (my preparation is Somato-Psycho-Energetic, and this leads me to take in consideration this aspect too), it is important to notice also the contradictory behavior of “urinating wherever you are”. This highlights the coexistence of two opposite and extreme forces. Only one of the two wins, without you being able to set a right, and natural, equilibrium.

Maybe this indication can help you looking for the right professional help for you particular case.

Good Luck!

Answer:

Sergio Scialanca, Psychologist

Question:

George, 22 years old

Publication Date: 12/05/2007 

 

Check out the original article here

Do not repeat the same mistakes

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hi, I write here to ask something that is related to the creative process of the human mind. I would like to know why we, as human beings, often live multiple times the similar painful situations, and repeat the same mistakes throughout life.

Why in our life situations are repeated over and over? How can we be a bit more creative within our existence, so that we won’t live the same bad situations again?

Answer:

Dear Monica, what you are asking me is very hard to explain. Actually, it is the main reason of why people ask help to psychotherapists. However, to start my explanation, I will give you a definition of neurosis. This term is used to define a stereotypical and rigid way used to react to certain situations that can be related to an internal cognitive process, or to an external stimulus. Clearly, this rigid reaction of our mind can be explained in multiple ways, depending on which theoretical approach we decide to use.

For example, according to psychoanalysis, neurosis is the subconscious conflict of two thoughts, coming from the ego. According to the behavioral approach, neurosis is a learned behavior caused by the environment’s reinforcements (in this case the neurotic reaction will keep existing regardless of its original cause). According to Cognitivism it is a wrong evaluation process etc..

Dear Monica, as you can see we can use multiple ways to interpret this human problematic. Which one is the right one? I believe that there is no best answer, they all have a descriptive value, and they are all usable based on the specific clinical situation.

There is something that can be done on psychophysical level, though. In fact, recent researches on the functions of the human brain (and with this I am talking about the mind as well, since we cannot talk anymore of division between mind and body) are showing us the various processes that take shape. These researches are telling us something also on the experiences of perceptive rigidity, so on what make us repeat our “mistakes” over and over. In synthesis the answer that these researches are giving us is this: the human brain develops rigid reaction ways as a consequence of an excessive cortical activation. In other words, the problem is connected to anxiety.

Dear Monica, at this point I have to tell you what you can do. As a first thing I suggest you to begin to regularly do whatever practice that allows you to lower the psychophysical experience of anxiety. There are many ways: meditation, physical exercise, gardening, relaxation techniques, autohypnosis etc..

If with time you see that the problem did not change, I suggest you to contact a professional to begin, with him, a specific journey tailored on your personal situation.

I hope I have been of help, and I wish you good luck.

Answer:

Paolo Chellini

Question:

Monica, 25 years old

Publication Date: 12/18/2007

Check out the original article here

How Depressed People Think

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hi, It is 3 years that I am in a relationship with a man that suffers since about 10 years of depression and anxiety disorder. He is continuously drowning in his guilt feelings, he does not give any importance to himself or to his existence.

He often speaks about suicide, and, according to him, he would like to die. He alternates hyperactivity periods with ones of complete apathy.

Without any explanation or apparent cause, he passes from being extremely happy and joyful to being depressed and wanting to die. Even when he has been cured with drugs the situation did not improve. He feels always bad.

Now, though, this is affecting me too. 

He told me: “you look for happiness and joy, you would not be happy with me, look for someone that is less complicated.”

I did not answer. I took time to think. I would like to understand, and I ask help to you.

Is he asking for help, or he wants to be left alone? How does a depressed person think?

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Simona, it is interesting that you ask about “his” mind, that you want to know “how does a depressed person think”, and you say nothing about yourself.

It is 20 years that I am a psychotherapist and I have to confess you that I do not know. I do not know how does a depressed think, because before to be “depressed”, or “euphoric”, or “paranoid”, or “psychotic”, etc.. we are all human beings, and therefore unique. 

So I do not know what or how does he think, I should meet him to know it. And I do not know how to diagnose his depression either (if it is really depression.) Is it reactive? Does it have biological origins? Is it the “down” of the borderline disorder? Is it caused by something buried deep in the past, or it is an existential crisis? I do not know. If I do not speak to him, if I do not see him, if I do not meet him, I do not know.

You ask if he wants to be left alone or if he is asking for help..I do not know. Maybe both. I am sorry that I cannot be more reassuring in a moment in which you clearly need some certainty, but what I think you should do is to move the “subject” of your sentences from him to you.

What do YOU want to do? How do YOU feel with him? What void does his presence fill and what ghosts does he awake? Why did YOU accepted, during these 3 years, to be with a “depressed” person, since this clearly does not help your self-esteem? To understand what does he think, you should first realize where are you in this situation. You should also ask yourself what do you think not only of him and your relationship, but also of your life and what do YOU want to do with it.

My best wishes.

Answer:

Livia Tedaldi, Psychotherapist

Question:

Simona, 22 years old

Publication date: 11/07/2007

For more informations on the topic, check out the article Is Depression a sickness?

Check out the original article here

Emotional Addiction

-Ask the Expert-

Question: 

Can someone suffer of affective and sexual addiction? I decided to begin a psychotherapy for this reason. Maybe it is linked to something in my past, but sure is that I get excessively bound to the women I fall in love with. All my interests disappear, my life becomes unimportant, I constantly look for confirms that she is love with me too, I even try to control her, all my thoughts are for her, until she abandons me, and I am left alone and desperate.

I would like to understand what pushes me to make the person I am in love with responsible for my happiness to the point that I cease to exist.

I realized that the more I grow older and the worse the situation becomes. Every time I suffer more.

In this moment I am desperate, I am fighting with myself, because I am involved in a relationship with a person that is emotionally unstable, and this relationship is killing me. Every time she pushes me away for a reason or another, I start feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated, and paranoid.

My sex drive with her is almost obsessive, I believe that this is because I have low self-esteem and I am always looking for a confirmation that she wants me too.

Also, I am beginning to think that for me, to love her is so much a necessary for my mental stability, that we are not talk about love anymore, it is more like a drug, or worse.

Today I called a psychotherapist and I will begin meeting with him soon. I really hope that this therapy will bring “myself” out, I want to look for happiness within myself, but I really do not know where to start!

Answer:

Dear Paolo,

I think you took the right decision. In fact, only a therapy can untie the knot of feelings in which you are stuck. There are personalities that need other's recognition of their value in order to feel confident and good. As you rightly hypothesized, these are problems that begin in the far past, usually during infancy. 

I understand the torments that you must be facing right now, especially if your girlfriend is, as you said, emotionally unstable, and she does not give you that required security that you need to feel calm and relaxed.

But you understood that it cannot go on like this for your whole life.

I will repeat myself and say it again: you made the right choice in beginning the therapy, and do not worry if you will feel “addicted” to the therapist, that is normal and transitory for personalities such as yours, and it is something that is functional to the achievement of real independence.

Best wishes.

Answer:

Gianna Porri, Psychotherapist

Question:

Paolo, 31 years old

Publication Date: 01/26/2006

Check out the original article here

Social Anxiety: Sweating, Suffocating and Panic Attacks

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Dear Doctors,

I am writing to you because my social life has been changing recently. In fact, I tend to go out much less now because doing so gives me a lot of physical and mental discomfort. My problem is related to sweating and to strong and bad odor; the problem, I think, instead is not only linked psychologically but more importantly to my ability to respire.

For example, if I find myself in crowded and somewhat heated places, I suffer like a dog; I become paranoid when I feel like I am suffocating and try to avoid places with a possibility of sweating. I would like to know if a septum deviation can solve anything, including palpitation. Thank You.

Answer:

Dear Francesca,

The fact that you asked this question to someone who is specialized in psychology related science brings me to think that there is something inside you that is pushing you to think that there are some psychological component to the problems that you are describing, not only physical.

Surely I do not exclude the importance to put into consideration the problems that are physical and can have a negative impact on your problem, but wait before considering seeing a specialist doctor; as a psychologist, I pay much more attention only the perception that you have on these physical characteristics and the amount of pain it cause you more than the sweating and the bad odor itself. A high pain can become something that can slowly hinder your social relations even more.

I think at the bottom of all this there is an anxiety component that is more or less known and limiting you particularly; connecting it to your social situations, it manifests through your fear of “having something wrong” that the others can tell. Following this hypothesis it can also be considered the palpitation that you’ve quickly mentioned as a very important element to understand your situation better.

Referring back to your question, I have to confirm how much I believe breathing to be the most important element to take in consideration, and to improve on. For example, beginning from techniques that are specific and goal-oriented, with the help of an expert, a path can be found to help you overcome in the best way possible the problems that you’ve said. To conclude this, what I really want to tell you in all honesty is that you must develop more trust and hope within yourself, because the consequence can be seen in these problems.

Wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer:

Manuele Matera, Psychologist

Question:

Francesca, 27 years old

Publication Date: 03/23/2007

For other posts related to Social Anxiety check out Fear of judgment

Check out the original article here