-Ask the Expert-
Question:
I am a married man since 15 years, and I have a daughter. My
marriage is almost perfect under every aspect, including the sexual one. Since
a couple of months I began cheating on my wife.
Sadly, I found out that I have
erectile dysfunction when I am with my lover. I have no sicknesses.
What can I do? Please help me without judging. Thank you.
Answer:
Dear Mario, the words “Erectile Dysfunction” are usually
related to organic causes, while in your case it seems obvious that the problem
is psychological. In fact we are talking of an impotency of
emotional-psychological cause. In your situation there is obviously some
tension, maybe unconscious, and an inconsistency between a satisfying marriage
and an unsatisfying extra-marital relationship.
Negative sexual performances usually, in men, generate a
“sexual performance anxiety” that complicates and can even ruin successive
attempts. After the first failed performance, it starts an anxiety state that
compromise that mental serenity needed to successfully enjoy sex. A failure
follows the other, and this increase the anxiety and brings more failures, and
so on.
Like in every cases of “sexual performance anxiety”, to
avoid entering in this vicious circle, you should avoid frantically looking for
reassurances of your good functioning, because this activity inevitably leads
to an increased anxiety that feeds the mechanism again.
There is absolutely no judgment in my words, but it seems to
me that you are the one that is unconsciously negatively judging what you are
doing, and this generates that emotional tension that leads to problematic
performances.
A self-analytic reflection could give you the answers that
you are really looking for.
Best wishes
Answer:
Roberto Melloni
Question:
Mario, 42 years old
Publication Date: 05/14/2007
Check out the original article here
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