-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Good
day doctors, I would like an explanation on the behavior of the woman
that helps me with my domestic chores. Ever since she’s step foot
in my house, she is constantly venting and bad-mouthing her in-laws
in an obsessive and repetitive way. When her in-laws are dead, she
finds another person to hate: the sister-in-law! Ignoring the fact
that this sister-in-law (after various arguments I assume) is the
same sister that helps her buy groceries! After complaining about
every single relative possible, now she is arguing against
another woman that, like me, uses her for her domestic service.
I know
this woman quite well and we hang out quite often; it irritates me to
have to listen to negative things about her. I realized after a while
that the domestic worker needs to always hate someone. She is
extremely touchy and sensitive to a point that if you are making eye
contact or observing her for any reason, she can be so irritated that she cries. She has very childish attitudes (even if she
is past 50 years old) in a way that if she breaks only a glass (which
can happen to everyone) she tends to hide it.
I
would like to know if she has some sort of disorder or if it is just
part of her personality. I am baffled and I don’t know how to deal with her anymore, even if until now I’ve adopted a friendly
behavior.
Thank
You.
Answer:
Dear
Anna,
Unfortunately
instructions on how to interact or deal with people do not exist, and
in particular people like the one that you’ve described. From your
mail it is clear that some of the characteristics of your worker
definitely makes the relationship between you two difficult, but what is not clear is the reason you keep letting her work at your house.
Being
extremely touchy and sensitive (and therefore unable to deal with
being observed by others), trying to hide his/her own errors, and
individualizing a “scapegoat” that she can direct all of her rage
and use it to “explain to herself” all that is wrong with her
life, are signs of a deep psychological disorder.
If you’d like to
form a hypothesis (surely a very risky one seeing how little elements
there are to base it on), you can say that she is a person that is
excessively insecure, that is strongly afraid of being criticized and
judged and therefore became extremely critical and aggressive towards
others.
If
we look back on your relationship with this person, my advice is to
take her how she is, keeping in mind that at the roots of her behavior
there is surely a psychological ailment.
And if you are unable to
tolerate her talking bad about your friend anymore you have all the
rights to tell her; in any ways, keep in mind that anyone of
your statements can become a form of aggression for this woman. If it
is not already like this, you can become one of the people that she
talks bad about with someone else.
Hope
that this was able to help, best wishes.
Answer:
Manuela Biagi, Psychologist
Question:
Anna, 54 years old
Publication Date:
10/31/2006
Check out the original article here
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Fear of Depression
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Answer:
Patrizia Napoleone, Psychotherapist
Question:
Emanuela, 25 anni
Publication Date: 10/09/2006
Check out the original article here
Question:
After 6 years away studying, I came
back to my city and living in a bad moment of my life. My moods are
constantly changing, up and down, and I am nervous, and feels like my
wing has been clipped… My morals are extremely low… will I sink
into depression?
Answer:
Dear Manuela,
Having past 6 years away from the
city that you live certainly means the construction of a social
context in which you are comfortable in; the first of your young
adulthood, it is important and significant because of the people that
you’ve encounter as well as for the internal formations that took
place. Because of this, having left everything can have a feeling of
uprooting with a sense of emptiness and disorientation that can
explain your constant up and down mood swings. Also due to having
lost the strong anchor that you’ve had before and not having found
that yet, you can feel like a fluttering balloon that has no control
of where it goes and have the sensation that you’ve lost the right
equilibrium.
There’s also the need to
understand whether the environment that you’ve returned to is still
suitable for you and how much you’ve grown in this 6 years
somewhere else. Maybe you expected to come back and find everything
how you’ve left them but instead they’ve changed, and the reason
not being other than you’ve changed and you see things differently
than you otherwise would. It can also be the disappointment that
follows when you exit from childhood, when you have responsibilities,
after studying, to compose yourself like an adult like looking for a
job. And if you already have one, it would be the responsibility of
having to work and make a plan for your life that is not based on
dreams and desires. At this time, you are face with the limitations
of reality and at the same time need to be open for possibilities
because resources can present themselves at unexpected times and you
need to realize it when it happens. Do not ever feel like your wings
are clipped.
If the loss that we are talking
about including a physiological effect, it is a sign and also a
stimulus to pursue new guidelines to follow, create new relational
networks with people, and even discover new places within your city
that you were not aware of before. It was not mentioned that whether
or not returning to your city also means returning to your family and
this, on an unconscious level, can represent a form of regression
that tends to destabilize you. Specifically if your parents, more or
less knowingly, began to treat you like the child that they have then
instead of the young women that you’ve become.
Consider the signals that your
emotions are sending you, bring yourself to your actual current
situation without fear, but instead, consider them important messages
that you need to understand better and therefore to make choices more
adequate to your purpose and to your goals. Listen to them,
eventually through guided routines, you can rekindle your motivations
and your resources will present themselves. Remember, both your
motivations and resources are urged and they emerge with an
incredible amount of strength when there is a destination, a purpose,
and a goal to achieve. Maybe it is this that they are signaling to
you the symptoms that you are describing: what you want in respect of
what you already have and are they enough? What are the directions in
obtaining what you want? With what means can you arrive to your
purpose and your goal?
Answer:
Patrizia Napoleone, Psychotherapist
Question:
Emanuela, 25 anni
Publication Date: 10/09/2006
Check out the original article here
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Fear of exams
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Hello, I am a 20 years old student
that currently studies at a university. My problem is that I am
experiencing blocks with my study. I study, I prepare, but I am
terrorized by exams. When I know that an exam is imminent, whether
near or far, I start to sweat and I feel a heavy weight oppressing my
stomach.
The closer the exam, the worse I become, sometimes I even
break down in tears. I’ve re-arranged all of my exams for this but
the last incident was evident. I prepared great before the exam, but
when I arrived at the university to take the exam I felt pretty much
absent-minded. I could not bring myself close to the classroom and I
went away tearing. What can this be? Is there a cure?
Who can I turn
for help? Thank you for responding.
Answer:
Dear Emanuele, I want to reassure
you immediately that there is a solution for what you are going
through. Your problem, specifically the mental block before taking an
exam, enters into the categories of disorders, or anxiety neurosis.
However, it can also be attributed to low self-esteem, or lack of
trust in self. I would like to suggest to you to not focus all of
your attention, your worries, your life, and yourself only on the
problem: “how do I overcome this mental block with my study.”
Instead, I think, it is important that you ask yourself, if the study
block might be hiding something other problems. That it is trying to
hint at something unconscious.
Therefore, choose to site with a
psychotherapist that can facilitate a solution not only for the study
block but also so that you can live knowingly, with better
self-esteem, trust, and self-determination. I hope in this hasty
response I was able to help. In any case, I hope you find the best
way to live and to make your life function.
Best wishes.
Answer:
Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist
Question:
Emanuele, 20 years old
Publication Date: 05/19/2008
Monday, October 15, 2012
Loneliness in Relationship
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
I ask genuinely for you to take a
look at a husband that repeatedly visited sites from swingers to
those for homosexual regardless of consequences. Every time that I
discover him continuing this foul act he assures me that it is only a
virtual contact and he promised me he would not do it again… but
instead he repeatedly violates this promise.
He tells me that he
loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am very
disappointed that I lost trust; I feel nothing besides full of rage.
From one of your TV interviews, you’ve said that it is necessary to
communicate but I continue to ask for clarifications while he stays
in deep silence in a way that it offends me.
I am known to be an
intelligent person that since the first offense, I tried to have an
open mind without being judgmental. Please help me because I want to
save this relationship… to the point that I would like to have a
direct consultation. Thank you.
Answer:
Dear Stella,
I understand your delusion and the
rage that you have when you knew, when you realized and feels
“loneliness” in a couple’s relationship. I am on the
understanding that, the most important aspect for a good, complete,
satisfying, and serene communication between people is principally
based on the ability to listen openly for comprehension and to
support each other in case of great difficulties.
It is necessary
that between the people themselves to stabilize a relationship based
on trust and on security and the transparency in certain situations
when it comes down to feelings and emotional experiences.
In this
case, the person who is betrayed of trust and transparency of
feelings usually suffers from rage and delusion from the offense, the
betrayal that is received from the other.
Rage, delusion, and betrayal comes,
like this, lives in even and especially in the relationship of
couples when the emotional stability, for some reason, needs to
change. Referring to your situation, Stella, I can deduce that your
husband, while loving you, discovered an interest, a sexual desire
that he wants to satisfy but he is ashamed or have negative feelings
and emotions within himself.
These can be the main reason for your
partner to act through denying the problem itself and not allowing
for a cleared and transparent conversation with you on this topic,
compromising instead the stability and the feelings of the
relationship between a couple.
Best wishes.
Answer:
Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist
Question:
Stella, 42 years old
Publication Date: 02/16/2009
Check out the original article here
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Fear of the Dark
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
I
really need help! I am 22 years old, an age too old to be afraid of
the dark I would say!
I am thinking for my future, of when I have to
go and live alone… I can’t constantly be going around with a
torch in my pocket! Every time that the lights go away, I begin to
cry, becomes frightened, and I sit on the floor and possibly with my
back to the wall.
I become incapable of moving.. not even to go look
for a torch or a candle! I am afraid that there is someone or that
someone will enter. When I go around the house, I need to first turn
on the light before entering the room. And if I turn off the lights
in the room that leads into my bedroom,
I always look over my
shoulders because I am worried that someone is following me. I must
always sleep with a little light (unless there is someone else near
me that makes me feel safe) and with my back to the wall! I am
already constantly frightened, but it triples if I have bad dreams!
What
can I do? Is there a therapy good enough to take away this phobia?
Thanks
for the Help!
Answer:
Yes
dear Valentina, There is.
Because
you see, fear is not something that happens and that’s it; it has
deep roots and always a meaning for us and for our life. You can say
that it is the way that our consciousness, when it’s not heard,
expresses itself. Of course that at times it will make us uncertain,
we don’t understand it and we can’t find a reason that explains
it all, but that is how it functions.
Fear serves as your defense.
From who? Well… this is what you must find by yourself because no
one else can tell you: only you can understand it with some help from
a professional that can give you the tools to help you succeed.
It’s
not easy to simply take away the fear of the dark, because In this
case you could be not afraid of the dark anymore but immediately
become terrorized by seeing a dog, or entering into an elevator, or
in a million of other situations that can project your fears.
Try to
understand why you’ve chose (unconsciously) this type of defense
and why you’ve expressed it in this way and how can you overcome
your fears. But remember that we cannot disregard or throw away a
defense before understanding what it serves… or we can find
ourselves in worse danger! So dear Valentina, I believe it is time to
think about getting help also because at 22 years old, it is much
easier than how much you believe.
I
wish you the best.
Answer:
Livia Tedaldi, Psychologist
Question: Valentina, 22 years old
Publication Date: 03/31/2006
Publication Date: 03/31/2006
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
A workaholism problem
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Hi, I just found out about work
addiction. I realized that I am unable to stop working after the end
of my word-day. I always go around with work folders to complete,
even at home. I am unable to just sit down and chill without doing
anything, I am always busy doing something for someone else, and
always frustrated, because I do not receive the expected
gratifications.
So, after my 3-weeks vacation, I am
filled with projects about leaving my job soon, and after a week I
already find it impossible, I am already full of stuff to do for
other people. I never ask for more work, but I am unable to refuse it
when offered. Where can I find the resources to stop this habit? My
three weeks of vacations were spent taking care of my problematic
intestine, that I did not know have so many problems.
Thank You.
Answer:
Dear Adriana, first of all, well done.
Well done for taking care of yourself by writing this message. It is
a good start to open doors to hope, those doors that you close all
the time you accept other people's work. You say that you do not ask
for these additional work (are you sure?), and you say that you do
not refuse it (are you sure?).
What actually happens is that you,
without realizing it, ask for it, and then refuse it. You ask them,
to be busy with something and forget about yourself.
Do you know why you want to forget
about yourself? Because you feel “unable”. Unable to sit down and
relax, unable to leave your job...
To cover this idea that you have about
yourself, you feel forced to show others (and sadly not yourself)
that you are able. So you accept more work than necessary, postponing
and accumulating in your intestine your real needs.
You say that you are always frustrated
because you do not receive the expected gratifications: but this is
the obvious consequence for who does not look at his/her own needs
and waits, like a child, to be gratified by others.
The real gratification comes from being
able to see, recognize, and give space to your own needs. It is
obvious, and maybe even fair, that it was your intestine that took
those 3 weeks of vacation. Your intestine did not block you, it just
invited you to take care of your body.
Sadly it was not fully listened to,
like you, most likely, were not fully listened to by your mother when
you were a child. Your intestine was not understood in its somatic
language, that is not the one of work-folders or of co-workers' job.
What do you say about leave to the
others their duties, and to begin to take care of your own?
Where to find the resources? Maybe you
can start say NO more often to others, and say YES more often to
yourself, to your intestine, to your body, and -why not?- to your
rage and emotions.
You have the resources, but you used
them all for others and do not leave any for yourself. The
equilibrium between yes and no should always be even.
Since you like to take care of other
people's needs, why do not you take care of the need of the “other
Adriana”? Open the doors of hope and gratification to yourself, or
the risk is that next summer 3 weeks will not be enough.
Good luck, and feel free to contact me
if advice is needed.
Answer:
Giuseppe Luigi Esposito,
Psychotherapist
Question:
Adriana, 55 years old
Publication Date: 09/19/2009
Check out the original article here
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Fear of Commitment
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Dear Doctors,
I hope to learn whether or not you
can help me with my problems with your suggestions. I am 38 years old
and legally separated from my husband for 6 months after only 3 years
of marriage without any kids. We have been engaged very happily and
without any abuses for 12 years. My husband, according to him and
everyone else, is devoted to me and adores me. Me on the other hand,
even when loving him, have always been more cold and rational, a
trait that links back to my family. Imagine that I’ve married after
2 years that he’s asked me and I’ve was even stalling on the
decision to have kids regardless of his initial requests. But when
I’ve decided to follow his request, we were separated. We’ve
never lived together because he works and lives in a different city
from where I work. To be honest, I never even joined him during the
summer because knowing him, who is devoted to work, would not listen
to me. On the other hand, this is why we don’t stay good together
but he doesn’t say it to me because some things are not meant to be
said…
After the death of a co-worker who
did the same job, He became worse and absorbed himself completely in
work. Because of this, I began to complain every time we see each
other and stopped giving him serenity because he is tide between work
and me. After 2 months, during yet another one of my complaints, he
told me that he is not sure that he wants to stay with me anymore
because his 2 great passions, his job and I, clashed together and he
is not able to re-conciliate it anymore. In addition, he has suffered
a lot being alone for such a long time; but he is used to it and
enjoys staying this way. Thus, having understood that he finds it
difficult to live together as a couple, something inside him broke
and his life is ruined because you only love once in your life. He
also constantly reminds me that I’ve never understood any of his
problems when he is always aware of mines and my anxiety (I was
suffering constantly from anxiety and panic attacks). I’m almost
sure that he does not have and he’s never had another woman even
now. After a week, with my anguish and his (he was vomiting), He
decided to leave me and he asked me immediately for separation
because he wanted to closed this chapter of his life instantly and he
doesn’t want to turn back. We haven’t heard from each other for 4
months (I learned in the meanwhile that he completed a job that is
very dangerous) and after one of my letters, a bit before the
separation, we saw each other for the first time and he showed me his
more fragile side like before. The day before the separation he
wanted to see me, and he told me that he loved staying with me, and
that he doesn’t want to risk his life for work anymore and that
decision of the day after does not need to be so defined. And he told
me the same thing again the day of.
We started seeing each other again
after that. Not even a month after, once I learn that he is moving to
a city further away, he asked me to follow him definitely once the
school year is finished (I am a teacher). He also asked me to be a
little bit more patient because he feels very fragile and he wanted
to go on with care for the fear of suffering again. I went with him.
He introduced me to all of his new colleague as his wife, and he
called two friends to announced that we are pretty much getting back
together. After a month and a half, I felt him distant from me again
and then he told me that it is better for me not to follow him
because he doesn’t want to move too fast. He is not putting his
hands up in defense but only to show me that he is not an unconscious
psycho, and that he has a great respect for me, and that he loves me.
But he doesn’t want to suffer anymore and if we get back together
it has to be for the whole life. He confessed that he is depressed,
works too much (day and night) in order to not have to think, to not
be so stressed because now, different from before, he likes his job a
lot and he’s reached an equilibrium that he did not have before. He
also added that when he is angry, he needs to be left alone, more now
because he’s never been in this situation before. But anyways, if
we are separated in the future, it is not my fault. He became
aggressive, egotistic, self-fish, intolerant, nervous, he pride
himself for his work, and he does nothing besides talking about his
work in an obsessive way. Where is the sweet, patient, and
understanding boy that I knew for 14 years?
We talk every day but we rarely see
each other. Only after the separation that I understand how much I
love him (I never told him), I admit my guilt and I can’t excuse
myself even though he told me that he also committed the greater
errors but the problem lies within us both. I don’t know what to
do, how to help him if he doesn’t want external help. I don’t
want to end our story and want to clarify if it is a problem of
feelings or something more complex. Thanks for your advises, I really
do need them.
Answer:
Dear Cati,
The thing that is most obvious from
what you wrote is the difficulty that you both have in living in a
real relationship. Your relationship seems to always have been a
“chasing game” (When one runs away, the other chases and vice
versa). This kind of conflict is usually caused by the combination of
the need to have a relationship and the fear to have one. The causes
of this subconscious behavior can be found in the past of each
individual. Generally, every person is afraid to completely let
him/her self go for the fear of appearing naked in front of others
and becoming too vulnerable. There are some family situation and
personal experiences that make certain individuals more fragile and
scared of being committed. In these cases, problems like yours
happen; always chasing and looking for something but never able to
reach it. It’s hard if not impossible to be able to come out
without outside help. It is like trying to help someone out of a well
while being inside the well yourself. It’s necessary to find a
third person that throws a rope. If your husband doesn’t want to
see psychotherapeutic help, you can start it and it will benefit you
both.
Answer:
Lara Scarsella, Psychotherapist
Question:
Cati, 38 years old
Publication Date: 10/02/2008
Check out the original article here
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Rage Attacks
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Hi, I have a problem. I often have rage
attacks, i destroy objects and I physically assault people. When the
rage fades away, I am left terribly ashamed of myself.
The targets have always been my
boyfriends.
Answer:
Dear Cinzia,
I understand that the frequent rage
rushes that you have do not make you live well, regardless of the
shame that comes after. After all, rage is the product of the
frustration caused by an unsatisfied need, and rage also is often the
veil that hides the real need that has to be fulfilled.
This is how the unsatisfied need become
an existential problem.
In other words, rage prevents us to
understand what is the real need, and this is usually affective. The
fact that the targets are always your boyfriends suggests that the
emotional need is linked to your relation with men.
So, even though you vent your
frustration out instead of keeping it inside, the real problem stays
alive and unsolved. Basically, there is an unsatisfying relation with
men, and there is your need to solve it.
But when problems are not properly
faced, some behaviors and emotions can instinctively emerge, and
become a rage rush. Those actions will later make you ashamed,
because they are not perceived as adequate and pertinent.
Ask yourself why you have this rage
against objects and boyfriends. Try to understand which are the
situations and the external stimuli that make the rage grow, and
especially, try to let emerge all your emotions and feelings along
with the rage.
Cinzia, my suggestion is to individuate
and accept the “real problem” that is buried under the rage. When
this will be done, you will be able to face it in a decisive and
serious way, so to find a personal equilibrium and a serene emotional
relation with people, situations, and the objects around you.
Best Wishes.
Answer:
Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist
Question:
Cinzia, 35 years old
Publication Date: 10/14/2006
Check out the original article here
Monday, October 1, 2012
Addicted to frienship?
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
I could not believe that i would suffer
so much. I could not believe that i would feel such an intense and
intolerable pain, and that i would feel it for such a long time. I
did not know that the end of a friendship could cause such violent
and intense suffering. I am here to ask for a suggestion.
David is, or maybe was, my best friend.
He was my friend since many years, almost since forever. He is a
complicated person, full of problems, he is introverted and younger
than me. He entered in the endless spiral of depression, and then
worsened the things with alcohol.
All this for problems related to
his family, his relationships, and much more things.
I “saved” him countless times,
taking him completely drunk out of some bar, or simply making him
talk to get over his suicide threats. It was an error.
I substituted myself to a professional
figure that certainly could have helped him way better, and would not
get involved emotionally. There was a sort of transfert..If he was
happy, I was too. When he fell into the deep of his depression, I
felt great anxiety and fear.
Then he got over that dark period. And
he literally kicked me out of his life. We had a ferocious argument,
and he absurdly accused me, my availability, and my efforts. He never
talked to me again, not even to say sorry for the harsh words he used
against me. Even if it might seem incredible, i felt his pain when he
was suffering.
I would have done anything to make him feel better. I
intimately and deeply shared his pain, and i wonder, now, if I
deserved what then happened to me.
The answer is NO. I do not deserve such
a treatment. I just want respect, at least for what I have done and I
have been through because of him.
Thank you.
Answer:
Dear Rae, I read your letter word by
word, and I write you what i think from your own words. I hope this
will help you.
Come out from your suffering? Let's
clarify. Which suffering? I want to highlight that a psychological
consult, like a psychotherapy, can solve the problems of a “neurotic”
suffering, but cannot solve an existential pain, that is part of the
negative side of life. It is not right or wrong, it just happens.
I will explain better. If you succeed
into healthily resetting your emotional responses, you can come out
from the loop of pain you seem to be in; but you will not be able to
avoid the existential pain of the human disappointment that you
faced.
That will always be part of your life
experience, but it will not cause additional pain if you can accept
and solve it emotionally.
Did you make a mistake into trying to
solve the problem of your friend? Humanly, certainly not. But it is
impossible to help who does not want to be helped. The alcoholic that
does not say “help me, I am an alcoholic”, is not help-able, not
even professionally.
But this is not the main point, i think.
What really happened is that the big
problem of a person that you cared about clashed against your feeling
of power, and that made you fall into an addiction yourself.
We can be addicted to substances, but
also to persons or situations. That situation became your addiction
as much as the bottle was his. You need to recognize your addiction
from that situation, not as a self-critic moral act, but as an
explanation of your psychological state of mind, and as the first
step in your path towards independence. You lost independence: that
situation sucks you in, exactly like a drug could do.
Your letter to me is a partial
understanding of your condition itself. You are on the right path,
understand it, walk through it, and at the end you will find your
solution. Only like this you will find a possible help, as opposed to
the help that you gave him, that was impossible.
Good luck
Answer:
Roberto Melloni, Psychotherapist
Question:
Rae, 46 years old
Publication Date: 07/18/2008
Check out the original article here
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Do abused become abusers?
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Dear Doctors, i will really like to
have an explanation for something that i try to understand since a
long time. I have been abused (sexually and emotionally), by my
father and my family from youth to adolescence. I told my doctor and
my mother, but nobody did anything.
I will skip the details to do not make
this question become too long.
I got married, I lost three children
because of anatomical malfunctions of the womb.
Now i have a 5 years old kid,
Francesco.
I have been the eye-witness during a
trial against a pedophile. I went to college and study psychology to
try to understand, and to try to cure myself from the multiple
behavioral weirdness that characterize me. I am about to finish
college and i bless the day that I decided to apply.
My curiosity is this: how is it
possible to develop a sensibility and a behavior exactly opposite to
the one that was suffered? Basically, why am i so different from my
family?
I am doing a psychotherapy since 2
years, and i succeeded in becoming a bit more detached and
selfish...but it is still too little to make the idiots that surround
me respect me (read: my family).
Studying development psychology, i read
that only 15% of the abused subjects does not take the same deviated
career, but for the rest there is no hope.
The first time they told me this info,
I was 22 years old and I got so scared of being a pedophile, that I
was not able to take a bath for my kid.
Thanks to the psychotherapy, now things
are better, way better. But i would like to understand why that 15%
is sane regardless of the past, the context, and the negative and
destructive surrounding emotions.
Thank you.
Answer:
Dear Cynthia, i hope that your doubt,
that seems to be a little bit obsessive, will dissolve in time also
thanks to the help of psychotherapy. That is the best place to
communicate your thoughts, your fantasies, and your doubts.
What I can tell you is that you seem to
be a person that succeeded and is succeeding, regardless of the hard
experience of the past, in finding your personal path made of
victories, bravery, and confidence.
Probably you are naturally equipped
with a personality that contributed to make your resolute
temperament, and that the abusive experience did not break.
You chose to be a good and responsible
person, and you want to give what you did not receive in your life:
love, respect, trust. In your life you saw evil, but you chose
goodness.
I believe that you should let go of
your doubt, and believe that you are the good person that you seem to
be.
Best wishes
Answer:
Maddalena Bazzoli, Psychotherapist
Question:
Cynthia, 32 years old
Publication Date: 01/24/2008
Check out the original article here
Friday, September 28, 2012
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder & Hypnosis
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Hello, i have a simple and
straightforward question: is it possible, through hypnosis, to delete
completely and permanently part of one's past from memory?
Thank you for your answer.
Answer:
Dear Jane, i could straightforwardly
answer you no. But that would not be the truth, because the truth is
way more complicated than that.
I will explain better: when we -as
human beings- have to face very stressful situations, our nervous
system fixes these times in our memory, and they often become knots
of anxiety and distress.
This means that, in some unfortunate
cases, we are forced to live always focusing on these chunks of
memory; this causes us to suffer, and gives us the feeling that time
never passed, and that our future will not exist. Always remember
that this experience is only determined by the way our minds work,
and it is not reality.
What i just described you is what who
suffers from a condition called “Post-traumatic stress disorder”
experiences usually. As you can imagine, this kind of disorder is
particularly constraining, because the subject perceives time as in a
story that never ends and always comes back to the starting point.
What can be done? The answer is clear:
it is not possible to delete memories, but it is possible to
reallocate those memories within a story that is able to create an
evolutionary patch in the subject's experience.
In order to achieve this, hypnosis is a
valuable tool, because through the alteration of the state of
consciousness of the subject, it is possible to modify the emotional
answer to certain memories, so to give back to the subject a feeling
of control over his reality.
Dear Jane, I do not know what happened
to you, but what i can tell you as a psychotherapist is that what you
are living right now is only part of a narrative structure that caged
you in a game without end, a tale that loops taking away your ability
to make projects for the future.
I will conclude quoting an ancient
Greek philosopher, Epictetus, in the hope that will bring you some
hope: “Not things, but opinions about things, trouble men.”
Good luck.
Answer:
Paolo Chellini, Psychotherapist
Question:
Jane, 25 years old
Publication Date: 03/19/2008
Check out the original article here
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Coping with sickness
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Dear Experts, i am a 31 years old
woman, I am the mom of a 5 years old boy, and i had many projects. At
least until 15 days ago...They diagnosed me, all of a sudden, a
multiple sclerosis.
From that moment, my life stopped.
I cannot perceive myself as the same
person, the same mother, the same wife. Even though i try as much as
i can to don't leave myself the time to think about it, every night I
am in tears. I keep my few smiles for my boy, i do not want him to
perceive my pain.
Barely a semester is left before my
master in psychology, but I am not sure anymore that i will have the
mental strength to finish it. How can i find again the strength to
keep going ?
Thank You in advance.
Answer:
Dear Erika, the discovery of such a
complex sickness surely brought up very unpleasant emotions: stupor,
frustration, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, and negative thoughts about
your future. I understand you very well, because i already had been
close to persons that have been diagnosed with severe illnesses:
sclerosis, cancer, diabetes.
From my experience i had the chance to
notice how the mix of medical and psychological cures can lead to the
recovery some times, or to the stall (to a non dangerous step) of the
sickness.
Your are not the sickness, you have the
sickness. Plato used to say: "There is no point in trying to
heal the body without healing the soul." In fact, i think that
the real healing begin within your consciousness, and one of the
easiest way to reach it is through emotions.
So I suggest you to:
1) take all the medical exams to
evaluate the step and severity of the sickness;
2) Begin with the pharmacological
therapies that the doctor will prescribe you;
3) Work on the emotional blocks related
to this experience, in order to reach a full consciousness of
yourself, and of the psychological mechanisms that are involved.
This will also help you after the
graduations, to better decide which specialization to pursue. I am
sure that you will do well, good luck!
Answer:
Ornella Furlani, psychotherapist
Question:
Erika, 31 years old
Publication Date: 05/24/2010
Check out the original article here
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
What is Compulsive Hoarding?
-Library-
How many times before to throw away
some old object you thought: “Should I keep it? Maybe it will be
useful...?” It is never easy to let go of our stuff, but there are
people for whom it is almost impossible. They cannot distinguish
between what is important and what is not; they are affected by a
pathology: Compulsive Hoarding.
What is Compulsive Hoarding?
Let's see.
Compulsive Hoarding is often defined as
“pathological collecting,” and its is the pathological tendency
to keep massive amounts of useless objects to the point that parts of
the house (if not the whole house) of the affected become
uninhabitable. This usually creates many problems in the life of the
subjects, one of them being that they are constantly forced to
justify themselves in front of family and friends.
Why do compulsive hoarders keep so much
“useless junk” around? Researchers have found that the hoarders
are excessively involved towards their properties. Every old grocery
receipt, or depleted pen is perceived as part of the subject's person
and of his past; so these objects that most people would define
“junk”, have a great emotional importance for the hoarder.
Also, it exists a “functional”
hoarding: some compulsive hoarder do not throw away the old
hairdryer, or the old toaster, because they believe that they might
be useful in the future.
The accumulation of stuff is directly
related to complications in planning and organizing: those affected
by pathological collecting have limited “mental categories”, and
problems in cataloging objects.
Some researches in neuroscience show
that the brains of the hoarders handles the problem “throw away or
not?” in a very different way from “normal” brains.
Specifically, the prefrontal cortex reacts very energically when the
subjects are asked to throw away old things. This cerebral area is
also stimulated when there is a need to take difficult decisions, or
to evaluate feelings or rational thoughts. In fact, compulsive
hoarders often lack of decision-making skills.
When a subject recognizes as exaggerate
his tendency to keep his stuff , he should see a psychotherapist.
Sadly though, compulsive hoarding is only discovered after the
subject see a therapist, because it is almost never the original
reason. This happens because many compulsive hoarders suffer from
depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. One of those reasons is
usually what make them set their first appointments.
An efficient therapy includes many
exercises to learn how to organize one's mind and how to take
decisions, so to lead the patients to reconsider their relations with
old, broken, or worthless objects.
Publication Date: 09/21/2012
Check out the original article here
Monday, September 24, 2012
Affected by Sexual Addiction
-Ask the Expert-
I have a huge problem! I am affected by
sexual addiction. To make you better understand the gravity of my
situation, I will say this: in 3 months I had sex with about 30
different guys.
Now I found a person that I like and I
want to stay with, and that apparently succeeded in stopping my
impulses! But I am scared that it will come back.
Answer:
Dear Gio, you talk about sexual
addiction, but I do not know if this diagnosis comes from a
professional, or if it is your perception based on your behavior.
However, I guess that right now the
situation is very difficult for you. Like it happens in drug
addiction, what you are addicted to is a mean to alleviate pain,
stress, and anxiety. In the specific case of sexual addiction, for
example, it could be your way to fill an intense need for affection
and gentleness. It could be a request for attentions, or even a
confirmation of your physical aspect (to reinforce your self-esteem).
Whatever is the motivation that leads
you to have so many sexual intercourses, It seems that it makes you
live sexuality in an obsessive way, to the point that it creates a
vicious circle that becomes difficult to escape.
But now you found a person that you
like, and it looks like he stopped your impulse. From your words, I
imagine that you would like this relationship to last, and to be
“healed” from your “sickness”. But you are scared that the
impulse could come back.
I can understand what you are
experiencing, so my suggestion is to contact a professional, possibly
an expert in this type of addiction, so that he can do a more sharp
diagnosis, and he can find the right way to make you live healthily
your sexuality.
This means that you have to take the
responsibility of accepting who you are, and of choosing the path
that will let you have the best quality of life possible. You will
have to work on yourself, and on what you want from yourself, from
your sexuality, and from your relationships.
I wish you good luck.
Answer:
Giulia Checcucci, psychotherapist
Question:
Gio, 21 years old
Publication Date: 09/20/2010
For similar articles, check out Sexual Behavior: high sex drive
Check out the original article here
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Jelousy in relationships
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Hello,
In fact, they have disadvantages, like how it is happening to you two, that poisons the love relationship and consequently, the sensibility and empathy for each other that should instead grow and developing with each day. The fact that your partner insist and persist on your past love life can be destructive if we do not define it clearly, much like the absence of self confidence, low self-esteem, and especially the difficulty on focusing on loving you.
Question:
Hello,
I am a 33 years old women that is currently in
a loving relationship, maybe, for the first time in my life. Until now,
I've lived in a state of confusion and have had many dates in the past,
few of them however ever even got close to the idea of a relationship.
Right now, I am with this person with who I've discussed all my life; he
knows everything about me, my sex background, and the difficult life
that I've had. We were not friends yet when I told him about my past
sexual experiences; but this is the cause of my problems today. It has
only been 3 months that we are together even if the discussions make it
seem like it's been years.
The main point is that he doesn't accept some of my
past behaviors, specifically in a particular situation regarding sex. He
admits that he is closed-minded and macho regarding this argument but
that is just who he is. I see his effort to want to overcome this
argument and on the other hand, he feels bad, changes mood, and hides
himself from me because he doesn't want me to see him in this state;
even if I am always available and open to discuss them. We are still
going forward in our relationship, driven by strong feelings towards
each other, but it seems to be that our relationship is a bit
auto-destructive despite our efforts to grow together. It is in our
personality to bring about certain arguments. Another thing particular
is that when we stay together, we are a very joyful couple while these
harder discussions happens only when we talk on the phone.
I would like to help, but I don't know what is
considered being in a healthy relationship and I don't know to what
point can he continue to suffer for this. My dilemma is how can he
overcome these actions of my past but continue to love me?
Shouldn't one accept both the good and the bad of their love ones?
Answer:
Dear
Maddalena, I've read your inquiry with attention regarding your courage
and the difficulties that you are facing with your partner. I find it
very important for you, along with your partner, to see a psychologist
specialized in couple's relationships if you really intend to find a
effective, valid, and mutual relationships to your current problem.
Although, I also intend to offer my point of view professionally hoping
that I can give you a direction and the first possibility regarding your
partner that is positive.
It is not concentrated on your partner, on his way
to handle this relationship, or on his inability to accept your past
love. It is, instead, it is attentively concentrated on your feelings,
on your way of loving and on your feelings that you have for your
partner. Don't live with facts like your partner, that in addition makes
himself feel bad and pushes away feelings and the feelings that he have
for you. The facts, the situations, and the circumstances, including
the past are fixed; they will not change.
In fact, they have disadvantages, like how it is happening to you two, that poisons the love relationship and consequently, the sensibility and empathy for each other that should instead grow and developing with each day. The fact that your partner insist and persist on your past love life can be destructive if we do not define it clearly, much like the absence of self confidence, low self-esteem, and especially the difficulty on focusing on loving you.
I believe that your relationship and your
communication is, right now, far from healthy. It seems instead to be in
a dangerous loop around each-other's past. It is important to
substitute emotions and feelings to the facts and these feelings must be
lived and shared in the present.
This is what you should both work for if you want to improve your
relationship. Do not talk about facts. Talk about feelings, focus on the
emotions, and on your love for each-other. Focus on the present. Rather
than your rationality, you should trust your feelings.
If doing so is going to be difficult, then it is necessary -if you
want to keep the relationship alive- that you meet with a professional.
I hope I have been of some help. Good luck.
Answer:
Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist
Question:
Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist
Question:
Maddalena, 33 years old
Publication Date: 03/25/2007
Publication Date: 03/25/2007
Check out the original article here
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Urophobia: Fear of urinating in public
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Hi, I am a 22 years old guy, and since
about 2 months I found out that I am urophobic. Since I was a kid I
had problems urinating in “public” places. For public I mean open
(in the wild, for example), or crowded places. In general in any
place that is not my house. I was always scared of being observed
while doing my things.
This did not prevent me to have a normal life,
I traveled and visited many countries, because when I had to use the
bathroom I always found some way to distract myself, and I eventually
succeeded. Ever since my second year of college, though, I had to
stay outside of my house for 12-14 hours a day, and I started not
being able to use the bathroom anymore. I had painful anxiety crisis,
with obsessive thoughts of having to force myself to urinate.
Sadly though, as a consequence of my
anxiety, I began having issues such as pain and constant stimulus
even after using the bathroom. I went to an urological visit, and
they found a small inflammation of the prostate that could have
justified my symptoms. After various cures and almost no results, I
began having problems going out of my house in general (the idea of
having to use the bathroom and be away from home became a horrible
thought and caused me great anxiety.)
The situation became even worser, and
soon I was not able to urinate even in my house, this forced me to go
to the hospital 5 times in great pain after non urinating for several
days.
All the clinical exams that I took
excluded organic causes. I decided to go to a psychiatrist that seem
to not be aware of the existence of my pathology, and practically did
not solve anything at all.
This fear prevents me to leave my
house, to go to college, and to normally live like I did until a
couple of months ago. Also, when I am under stress or I am unable to
go to my home's bathroom, the anxiety grows to a point that I urinate
wherever I am.
Can someone tell me what can I do? My
life became impossible.
Thank you.
Answer:
Dear George, I confess that I had to
research the topic before to give you my answer, in fact I was not
aware of the existence of this particular phobia, that seems actually
to be more diffused in the recent years. Regardless of the particular
shape that it has in your case, your problem is related to an anxiety
disorder (in other cases it can manifests itself as a panic attack).
The key to your problem lies in your words: “i was always scared of
being observed”, -specifically- observed while your genitals are
uncovered. I believe that the origin and the cure to your particular
issue have to be searched in the events of your past related to your
sexuality-affectivity. This from a psychological point of view.
On an energetic point of view (my
preparation is Somato-Psycho-Energetic, and this leads me to take in
consideration this aspect too), it is important to notice also the
contradictory behavior of “urinating wherever you are”. This
highlights the coexistence of two opposite and extreme forces. Only
one of the two wins, without you being able to set a right, and
natural, equilibrium.
Maybe this indication can help you
looking for the right professional help for you particular case.
Good Luck!
Answer:
Sergio Scialanca, Psychologist
Question:
George, 22 years old
Publication Date: 12/05/2007
Check out the original article here
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Do not repeat the same mistakes
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Hi, I write here to ask something that is related to the
creative process of the human mind. I would like to know why we, as human
beings, often live multiple times the similar painful situations, and repeat the same mistakes throughout life.
Why in our life situations are repeated over and over? How
can we be a bit more creative within our existence, so that we won’t live the
same bad situations again?
Answer:
Dear Monica, what you are asking me is very hard to explain.
Actually, it is the main reason of why people ask help to psychotherapists.
However, to start my explanation, I will give you a definition of neurosis.
This term is used to define a stereotypical and rigid way used to react to
certain situations that can be related to an internal cognitive process, or to
an external stimulus. Clearly, this rigid reaction of our mind can be explained
in multiple ways, depending on which theoretical approach we decide to use.
For example, according to psychoanalysis, neurosis is the
subconscious conflict of two thoughts, coming from the ego. According to the
behavioral approach, neurosis is a learned behavior caused by the environment’s
reinforcements (in this case the neurotic reaction will keep existing
regardless of its original cause). According to Cognitivism it is a wrong
evaluation process etc..
Dear Monica, as you can see we can use multiple ways to
interpret this human problematic. Which one is the right one? I believe that
there is no best answer, they all have a descriptive value, and they are all
usable based on the specific clinical situation.
There is something that can be done on psychophysical level,
though. In fact, recent researches on the functions of the human brain (and
with this I am talking about the mind as well, since we cannot talk anymore of
division between mind and body) are showing us the various processes that take
shape. These researches are telling us something also on the experiences of perceptive
rigidity, so on what make us repeat our “mistakes” over and over. In synthesis
the answer that these researches are giving us is this: the human brain
develops rigid reaction ways as a consequence of an excessive cortical
activation. In other words, the problem is connected to anxiety.
Dear Monica, at this point I have to tell you what you can
do. As a first thing I suggest you to begin to regularly do whatever practice
that allows you to lower the psychophysical experience of anxiety. There are
many ways: meditation, physical exercise, gardening, relaxation techniques,
autohypnosis etc..
If with time you see that the problem did not change, I suggest
you to contact a professional to begin, with him, a specific journey tailored
on your personal situation.
I hope I have been of help, and I wish you good luck.
Answer:
Paolo Chellini
Question:
Monica, 25 years old
Publication Date: 12/18/2007
Check out the original article here
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
How Depressed People Think
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Hi, It is 3 years that I am in a
relationship with a man that suffers since about 10 years of
depression and anxiety disorder. He is continuously drowning in his
guilt feelings, he does not give any importance to himself or to his
existence.
He often speaks about suicide, and,
according to him, he would like to die. He alternates hyperactivity
periods with ones of complete apathy.
Without any explanation or apparent
cause, he passes from being extremely happy and joyful to being
depressed and wanting to die. Even when he has been cured with drugs
the situation did not improve. He feels always bad.
Now, though, this is affecting me too.
He told me: “you look for happiness
and joy, you would not be happy with me, look for someone that is
less complicated.”
I did not answer. I took time to think.
I would like to understand, and I ask help to you.
Is he asking for help, or he wants to
be left alone? How does a depressed person think?
Thank you.
Answer:
Dear Simona, it is interesting that you
ask about “his” mind, that you want to know “how does a
depressed person think”, and you say nothing about yourself.
It is 20 years that I am a
psychotherapist and I have to confess you that I do not know. I do
not know how does a depressed think, because before to be
“depressed”, or “euphoric”, or “paranoid”, or
“psychotic”, etc.. we are all human beings, and therefore unique.
So I do not know what or how does he
think, I should meet him to know it. And I do not know how to
diagnose his depression either (if it is really depression.) Is it
reactive? Does it have biological origins? Is it the “down” of
the borderline disorder? Is it caused by something buried deep in the
past, or it is an existential crisis? I do not know. If I do not
speak to him, if I do not see him, if I do not meet him, I do not
know.
You ask if he wants to be left alone or
if he is asking for help..I do not know. Maybe both. I am sorry that
I cannot be more reassuring in a moment in which you clearly need
some certainty, but what I think you should do is to move the
“subject” of your sentences from him to you.
What do YOU want to do? How do YOU feel
with him? What void does his presence fill and what ghosts does he
awake? Why did YOU accepted, during these 3 years, to be with a
“depressed” person, since this clearly does not help your
self-esteem? To understand what does he think, you should first
realize where are you in this situation. You should also ask yourself
what do you think not only of him and your relationship, but also of
your life and what do YOU want to do with it.
My best wishes.
Answer:
Livia Tedaldi, Psychotherapist
Question:
Simona, 22 years old
Publication date: 11/07/2007
For more informations on the topic, check out the article Is Depression a sickness?
Check out the original article here
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Emotional Addiction
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
Can someone suffer of affective and
sexual addiction? I decided to begin a psychotherapy for this reason.
Maybe it is linked to something in my past, but sure is that I get
excessively bound to the women I fall in love with. All my interests
disappear, my life becomes unimportant, I constantly look for
confirms that she is love with me too, I even try to control her, all
my thoughts are for her, until she abandons me, and I am left alone
and desperate.
I would like to understand what pushes
me to make the person I am in love with responsible for my happiness
to the point that I cease to exist.
I realized that the more I grow older
and the worse the situation becomes. Every time I suffer more.
In this moment I am desperate, I am
fighting with myself, because I am involved in a relationship with a
person that is emotionally unstable, and this relationship is killing
me. Every time she pushes me away for a reason or another, I start
feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated, and paranoid.
My sex drive with her is almost
obsessive, I believe that this is because I have low self-esteem and
I am always looking for a confirmation that she wants me too.
Also, I am beginning to think that for
me, to love her is so much a necessary for my mental stability, that
we are not talk about love anymore, it is more like a drug, or worse.
Today I called a psychotherapist and I
will begin meeting with him soon. I really hope that this therapy
will bring “myself” out, I want to look for happiness within
myself, but I really do not know where to start!
Answer:
Dear Paolo,
I think you took the right decision. In
fact, only a therapy can untie the knot of feelings in which you are
stuck. There are personalities that need other's recognition of their
value in order to feel confident and good. As you rightly
hypothesized, these are problems that begin in the far past, usually
during infancy.
I understand the torments that you must be facing
right now, especially if your girlfriend is, as you said, emotionally
unstable, and she does not give you that required security that you
need to feel calm and relaxed.
But you understood that it cannot go on
like this for your whole life.
I will repeat myself and say it again:
you made the right choice in beginning the therapy, and do not worry
if you will feel “addicted” to the therapist, that is normal and
transitory for personalities such as yours, and it is something that
is functional to the achievement of real independence.
Best wishes.
Answer:
Gianna Porri, Psychotherapist
Question:
Paolo, 31 years old
Publication Date: 01/26/2006
Check out the original article here
Monday, September 17, 2012
Social Anxiety: Sweating, Suffocating and Panic Attacks
-Ask the Expert-
Question:
I
am writing to you because my social life has been changing recently.
In fact, I tend to go out much less now because doing so gives me a
lot of physical and mental discomfort. My problem is related to
sweating and to strong and bad odor; the problem, I think, instead is
not only linked psychologically but more importantly to my ability to
respire.
For example, if I find myself in crowded and somewhat heated
places, I suffer like a dog; I become paranoid when I feel like I am
suffocating and try to avoid places with a possibility of sweating. I
would like to know if a septum deviation can solve anything,
including palpitation. Thank You.
Answer:
Dear
Francesca,
The
fact that you asked this question to someone who is specialized in
psychology related science brings me to think that there is something
inside you that is pushing you to think that there are some
psychological component to the problems that you are describing, not
only physical.
Surely I do not exclude the importance to put into
consideration the problems that are physical and can have a negative
impact on your problem, but wait before considering seeing a
specialist doctor; as a psychologist, I pay much more attention only
the perception that you have on these physical characteristics and
the amount of pain it cause you more than the sweating and the bad
odor itself. A high pain can become something that can slowly hinder
your social relations even more.
I
think at the bottom of all this there is an anxiety component that is
more or less known and limiting you particularly; connecting it to
your social situations, it manifests through your fear of “having
something wrong” that the others can tell. Following this
hypothesis it can also be considered the palpitation that you’ve
quickly mentioned as a very important element to understand your
situation better.
Referring
back to your question, I have to confirm how much I believe breathing
to be the most important element to take in consideration, and to
improve on. For example, beginning from techniques that are specific
and goal-oriented, with the help of an expert, a path can be found to
help you overcome in the best way possible the problems that you’ve
said. To conclude this, what I really want to tell you in all honesty
is that you must develop more trust and hope within yourself, because
the consequence can be seen in these problems.
Wish
you all the luck in the world.
Answer:
Manuele Matera, Psychologist
Question:
Francesca, 27 years old
Publication Date: 03/23/2007
For other posts related to Social Anxiety check out Fear of judgment
Check out the original article here
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