Loneliness in Relationship

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Dear Doctor Zampiron,

I ask genuinely for you to take a look at a husband that repeatedly visited sites from swingers to those for homosexual regardless of consequences. Every time that I discover him continuing this foul act he assures me that it is only a virtual contact and he promised me he would not do it again… but instead he repeatedly violates this promise. 

He tells me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am very disappointed that I lost trust; I feel nothing besides full of rage. From one of your TV interviews, you’ve said that it is necessary to communicate but I continue to ask for clarifications while he stays in deep silence in a way that it offends me. 

I am known to be an intelligent person that since the first offense, I tried to have an open mind without being judgmental. Please help me because I want to save this relationship… to the point that I would like to have a direct consultation. Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Stella,

I understand your delusion and the rage that you have when you knew, when you realized and feels “loneliness” in a couple’s relationship. I am on the understanding that, the most important aspect for a good, complete, satisfying, and serene communication between people is principally based on the ability to listen openly for comprehension and to support each other in case of great difficulties. 

It is necessary that between the people themselves to stabilize a relationship based on trust and on security and the transparency in certain situations when it comes down to feelings and emotional experiences. 

In this case, the person who is betrayed of trust and transparency of feelings usually suffers from rage and delusion from the offense, the betrayal that is received from the other.

Rage, delusion, and betrayal comes, like this, lives in even and especially in the relationship of couples when the emotional stability, for some reason, needs to change. Referring to your situation, Stella, I can deduce that your husband, while loving you, discovered an interest, a sexual desire that he wants to satisfy but he is ashamed or have negative feelings and emotions within himself. 

These can be the main reason for your partner to act through denying the problem itself and not allowing for a cleared and transparent conversation with you on this topic, compromising instead the stability and the feelings of the relationship between a couple.

Best wishes.

Answer:

Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist

Question: 

Stella, 42 years old

Publication Date: 02/16/2009

Check out the original article here

Rage Attacks

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hi, I have a problem. I often have rage attacks, i destroy objects and I physically assault people. When the rage fades away, I am left terribly ashamed of myself. 

The targets have always been my boyfriends.

Answer:

Dear Cinzia,

I understand that the frequent rage rushes that you have do not make you live well, regardless of the shame that comes after. After all, rage is the product of the frustration caused by an unsatisfied need, and rage also is often the veil that hides the real need that has to be fulfilled.

This is how the unsatisfied need become an existential problem.

In other words, rage prevents us to understand what is the real need, and this is usually affective. The fact that the targets are always your boyfriends suggests that the emotional need is linked to your relation with men.

So, even though you vent your frustration out instead of keeping it inside, the real problem stays alive and unsolved. Basically, there is an unsatisfying relation with men, and there is your need to solve it. 

But when problems are not properly faced, some behaviors and emotions can instinctively emerge, and become a rage rush. Those actions will later make you ashamed, because they are not perceived as adequate and pertinent.

Ask yourself why you have this rage against objects and boyfriends. Try to understand which are the situations and the external stimuli that make the rage grow, and especially, try to let emerge all your emotions and feelings along with the rage.

Cinzia, my suggestion is to individuate and accept the “real problem” that is buried under the rage. When this will be done, you will be able to face it in a decisive and serious way, so to find a personal equilibrium and a serene emotional relation with people, situations, and the objects around you.

Best Wishes.

Answer:

Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist

Question:

Cinzia, 35 years old

Publication Date: 10/14/2006

Check out the original article here

Jelousy in relationships

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hello,

I am a 33 years old women that is currently in a loving relationship, maybe, for the first time in my life. Until now, I've lived in a state of confusion and have had many dates in the past, few of them however ever even got close to the idea of a relationship. Right now, I am with this person with who I've discussed all my life; he knows everything about me, my sex background, and the difficult life that I've had. We were not friends yet when I told him about my past sexual experiences; but this is the cause of my problems today. It has only been 3 months that we are together even if the discussions make it seem like it's been years. 

The main point is that he doesn't accept some of my past behaviors, specifically in a particular situation regarding sex. He admits that he is closed-minded and macho regarding this argument but that is just who he is. I see his effort to want to overcome this argument and on the other hand, he feels bad, changes mood, and hides himself from me because he doesn't want me to see him in this state; even if I am always available and open to discuss them. We are still going forward in our relationship, driven by strong feelings towards each other, but it seems to be that our relationship is a bit auto-destructive despite our efforts to grow together. It is in our personality to bring about certain arguments. Another thing particular is that when we stay together, we are a very joyful couple while these harder discussions happens only when we talk on the phone. 

I would like to help, but I don't know what is considered being in a healthy relationship and I don't know to what point can he continue to suffer for this. My dilemma is how can he overcome these actions of my past but continue to love me?

Shouldn't one accept both the good and the bad of their love ones?

Answer:

Dear Maddalena, I've read your inquiry with attention regarding your courage and the difficulties that you are facing with your partner. I find it very important for you, along with your partner, to see a psychologist specialized in couple's relationships if you really intend to find a effective, valid, and mutual relationships to your current problem. Although, I also intend to offer my point of view professionally hoping that I can give you a direction and the first possibility regarding your partner that is positive. 

It is not concentrated on your partner, on his way to handle this relationship, or on his inability to accept your past love. It is, instead, it is attentively concentrated on your feelings, on your way of loving and on your feelings that you have for your partner. Don't live with facts like your partner, that in addition makes himself feel bad and pushes away feelings and the feelings that he have for you. The facts, the situations, and the circumstances, including the past are fixed; they will not change. 

In fact, they have disadvantages, like how it is happening to you two, that poisons the love relationship and consequently, the sensibility and empathy for each other that should instead grow and developing with each day. The fact that your partner insist and persist on your past love life can be destructive if we do not define it clearly, much like the absence of self confidence, low self-esteem, and especially the difficulty on focusing on loving you.

I believe that your relationship and your communication is, right now, far from healthy. It seems instead to be in a dangerous loop around each-other's past. It is important to substitute emotions and feelings to the facts and these feelings must be lived and shared in the present.

This is what you should both work for if you want to improve your relationship. Do not talk about facts. Talk about feelings, focus on the emotions, and on your love for each-other. Focus on the present. Rather than your rationality, you should trust your feelings. 

If doing so is going to be difficult, then it is necessary -if you want to keep the relationship alive- that you meet with a professional.

I hope I have been of some help. Good luck.

 

Answer:
Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist
Question: 

Maddalena, 33 years old
Publication Date: 03/25/2007

Check out the original article here

 

Sexual Behavior: Lack of sexual desire

-Library-

When one does not want to have sex, is it because of a lack of sexual desire as sexual dysfunction?

No, not always. Sex implies a deep communication between the partners, and to not live sex happily can be caused by many reasons. It is reductive to talk about lack of sexual desire. Before to talk about sexual dysfunctions it is important to check the quality of the relationship with the partner.

How to understand if the sexual partner is the right one?

Some questions can help: do you feel exited during erotic games? And during tactile stimulations? Do you enjoy touching each other? Do you feel physically attracted to each other? Do you feel comfortable being naked in front of your partner? Do you feel free of talking of what sexual practices you enjoy the most? Thinking about these questions might help you identifying the nature of the problem. Also, anxiety can interfere in the quality of the relationship.

What happens to a couple that can find happiness only during sexual intercourses? While during all the other times during the day they argue?

Arguments and discussions that fill the daily routine are the obvious symptom that something does not work properly. Sometimes it happens that the couple takes refuge in sex, to hide the fact that there are real problems. But to hide behind a fake comfort, over time, leads anyways to the decline of the relationship. Problems, as terrible and painful as they can be, have to be dealt with. Only this way it is really possible to recover the well being of the couple.

Is it true that arguments and discussions in a couple can also destroy its sexuality? Why?

The tensions generated by strong emotions, such as hostility, anger, fear of abandonment, or incontrollable jealousy, can start a sequence of behaviors that destroy in deep the relationship. Often couples do not realize that their relationship produced these emotions, and do not immediately see the destructive behaviors created by them. In these cases it is necessary to see, analyze, and modify these behaviors to break the vicious circle that feeds the problems.

Author: Patrizia Marzola, Psychologist

If you are interested in the topic, check out the article Sexual Behavior: High Sex Drive

Check out the original article here

What is: Effective Communication

-Library-

A master asked his disciples: 
‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’
The disciples thought for a while, and one of them said
: ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’ 
‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you? ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’ 
The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally he explained: 
‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the master asked:
 ‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

And he concluded: 
‘When they love each other even more, what happens? 
‘ They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.

‘Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’
 
 (Unknown Author)

When I ask you to listen and you start giving me suggestions, you are not doing what I am asking.

When I ask you to listen and you start telling me why I should not feel the way I feel, you are stepping over my sensations. 

When I ask you to listen and you think you have to do something to solve my problems, you disappoint me.

As strange as it can seem…

Maybe that is why prayers work for many. Because God is mute, he does not suggest, he does not try to fix things. Simply, he listens and knows you will solve your things by yourself. So please, hear and listen. And if you wish to speak, wait for your turn and I promise that I will be listening. (L.Buscaglia, La coppia amorosa, Mondadori, 1995)

Anybody who has ever been in a relationship said or heard the sentence “Why you don’t understand me?” This question should be changed into: “How do we build a relationship based on reciprocal understanding?” Realizing what is effective communication is the key to build a better relationship.

To understand does not mean to agree, because it is possible to perfectly understand the other’s point of view, without agreeing with it.

To understand does not mean to give up, on the contrary, the more we can understand and know a person, the more we can be trusted, the easier will be to “sell” our ideas.

But to understand is necessary to be able to listen. We all think we can do that since we are born, but most of us are actually pretty bad at it.

Not be able to listen is the biggest cause of arguments in a couple. During an argument it often happens to not really pay attention to the other’s words, because we are mentally busy preparing an answer.

Active listening means to manifest real interest for what the other person says with words and with non-verbal communication. In Active listening the mind and the body are protruded towards the other, and this allows us to understand the reasons behind a word or an action before to judge or to feel offended or hurt. Basically to listen each other helps to understand each other, and therefore to love each other more.

Author: Roberto Cavaliere, Psychotherapist

For the original post check out here or here