Loneliness in Relationship

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Question:

Dear Doctor Zampiron,

I ask genuinely for you to take a look at a husband that repeatedly visited sites from swingers to those for homosexual regardless of consequences. Every time that I discover him continuing this foul act he assures me that it is only a virtual contact and he promised me he would not do it again… but instead he repeatedly violates this promise. 

He tells me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am very disappointed that I lost trust; I feel nothing besides full of rage. From one of your TV interviews, you’ve said that it is necessary to communicate but I continue to ask for clarifications while he stays in deep silence in a way that it offends me. 

I am known to be an intelligent person that since the first offense, I tried to have an open mind without being judgmental. Please help me because I want to save this relationship… to the point that I would like to have a direct consultation. Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Stella,

I understand your delusion and the rage that you have when you knew, when you realized and feels “loneliness” in a couple’s relationship. I am on the understanding that, the most important aspect for a good, complete, satisfying, and serene communication between people is principally based on the ability to listen openly for comprehension and to support each other in case of great difficulties. 

It is necessary that between the people themselves to stabilize a relationship based on trust and on security and the transparency in certain situations when it comes down to feelings and emotional experiences. 

In this case, the person who is betrayed of trust and transparency of feelings usually suffers from rage and delusion from the offense, the betrayal that is received from the other.

Rage, delusion, and betrayal comes, like this, lives in even and especially in the relationship of couples when the emotional stability, for some reason, needs to change. Referring to your situation, Stella, I can deduce that your husband, while loving you, discovered an interest, a sexual desire that he wants to satisfy but he is ashamed or have negative feelings and emotions within himself. 

These can be the main reason for your partner to act through denying the problem itself and not allowing for a cleared and transparent conversation with you on this topic, compromising instead the stability and the feelings of the relationship between a couple.

Best wishes.

Answer:

Maria Zampiron, Psychotherapist

Question: 

Stella, 42 years old

Publication Date: 02/16/2009

Check out the original article here

Fear of Commitment

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Question:

Dear Doctors,

I hope to learn whether or not you can help me with my problems with your suggestions. I am 38 years old and legally separated from my husband for 6 months after only 3 years of marriage without any kids. We have been engaged very happily and without any abuses for 12 years. My husband, according to him and everyone else, is devoted to me and adores me. Me on the other hand, even when loving him, have always been more cold and rational, a trait that links back to my family. Imagine that I’ve married after 2 years that he’s asked me and I’ve was even stalling on the decision to have kids regardless of his initial requests. But when I’ve decided to follow his request, we were separated. We’ve never lived together because he works and lives in a different city from where I work. To be honest, I never even joined him during the summer because knowing him, who is devoted to work, would not listen to me. On the other hand, this is why we don’t stay good together but he doesn’t say it to me because some things are not meant to be said…

After the death of a co-worker who did the same job, He became worse and absorbed himself completely in work. Because of this, I began to complain every time we see each other and stopped giving him serenity because he is tide between work and me. After 2 months, during yet another one of my complaints, he told me that he is not sure that he wants to stay with me anymore because his 2 great passions, his job and I, clashed together and he is not able to re-conciliate it anymore. In addition, he has suffered a lot being alone for such a long time; but he is used to it and enjoys staying this way. Thus, having understood that he finds it difficult to live together as a couple, something inside him broke and his life is ruined because you only love once in your life. He also constantly reminds me that I’ve never understood any of his problems when he is always aware of mines and my anxiety (I was suffering constantly from anxiety and panic attacks). I’m almost sure that he does not have and he’s never had another woman even now. After a week, with my anguish and his (he was vomiting), He decided to leave me and he asked me immediately for separation because he wanted to closed this chapter of his life instantly and he doesn’t want to turn back. We haven’t heard from each other for 4 months (I learned in the meanwhile that he completed a job that is very dangerous) and after one of my letters, a bit before the separation, we saw each other for the first time and he showed me his more fragile side like before. The day before the separation he wanted to see me, and he told me that he loved staying with me, and that he doesn’t want to risk his life for work anymore and that decision of the day after does not need to be so defined. And he told me the same thing again the day of.

We started seeing each other again after that. Not even a month after, once I learn that he is moving to a city further away, he asked me to follow him definitely once the school year is finished (I am a teacher). He also asked me to be a little bit more patient because he feels very fragile and he wanted to go on with care for the fear of suffering again. I went with him. He introduced me to all of his new colleague as his wife, and he called two friends to announced that we are pretty much getting back together. After a month and a half, I felt him distant from me again and then he told me that it is better for me not to follow him because he doesn’t want to move too fast. He is not putting his hands up in defense but only to show me that he is not an unconscious psycho, and that he has a great respect for me, and that he loves me. But he doesn’t want to suffer anymore and if we get back together it has to be for the whole life. He confessed that he is depressed, works too much (day and night) in order to not have to think, to not be so stressed because now, different from before, he likes his job a lot and he’s reached an equilibrium that he did not have before. He also added that when he is angry, he needs to be left alone, more now because he’s never been in this situation before. But anyways, if we are separated in the future, it is not my fault. He became aggressive, egotistic, self-fish, intolerant, nervous, he pride himself for his work, and he does nothing besides talking about his work in an obsessive way. Where is the sweet, patient, and understanding boy that I knew for 14 years?

We talk every day but we rarely see each other. Only after the separation that I understand how much I love him (I never told him), I admit my guilt and I can’t excuse myself even though he told me that he also committed the greater errors but the problem lies within us both. I don’t know what to do, how to help him if he doesn’t want external help. I don’t want to end our story and want to clarify if it is a problem of feelings or something more complex. Thanks for your advises, I really do need them. 

Answer:

Dear Cati,

The thing that is most obvious from what you wrote is the difficulty that you both have in living in a real relationship. Your relationship seems to always have been a “chasing game” (When one runs away, the other chases and vice versa). This kind of conflict is usually caused by the combination of the need to have a relationship and the fear to have one. The causes of this subconscious behavior can be found in the past of each individual. Generally, every person is afraid to completely let him/her self go for the fear of appearing naked in front of others and becoming too vulnerable. There are some family situation and personal experiences that make certain individuals more fragile and scared of being committed. In these cases, problems like yours happen; always chasing and looking for something but never able to reach it. It’s hard if not impossible to be able to come out without outside help. It is like trying to help someone out of a well while being inside the well yourself. It’s necessary to find a third person that throws a rope. If your husband doesn’t want to see psychotherapeutic help, you can start it and it will benefit you both. 

Answer:

Lara Scarsella, Psychotherapist

Question: 

Cati, 38 years old 

Publication Date: 10/02/2008

Check out the original article here

Jelousy in relationships

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Question:

Hello,

I am a 33 years old women that is currently in a loving relationship, maybe, for the first time in my life. Until now, I've lived in a state of confusion and have had many dates in the past, few of them however ever even got close to the idea of a relationship. Right now, I am with this person with who I've discussed all my life; he knows everything about me, my sex background, and the difficult life that I've had. We were not friends yet when I told him about my past sexual experiences; but this is the cause of my problems today. It has only been 3 months that we are together even if the discussions make it seem like it's been years. 

The main point is that he doesn't accept some of my past behaviors, specifically in a particular situation regarding sex. He admits that he is closed-minded and macho regarding this argument but that is just who he is. I see his effort to want to overcome this argument and on the other hand, he feels bad, changes mood, and hides himself from me because he doesn't want me to see him in this state; even if I am always available and open to discuss them. We are still going forward in our relationship, driven by strong feelings towards each other, but it seems to be that our relationship is a bit auto-destructive despite our efforts to grow together. It is in our personality to bring about certain arguments. Another thing particular is that when we stay together, we are a very joyful couple while these harder discussions happens only when we talk on the phone. 

I would like to help, but I don't know what is considered being in a healthy relationship and I don't know to what point can he continue to suffer for this. My dilemma is how can he overcome these actions of my past but continue to love me?

Shouldn't one accept both the good and the bad of their love ones?

Answer:

Dear Maddalena, I've read your inquiry with attention regarding your courage and the difficulties that you are facing with your partner. I find it very important for you, along with your partner, to see a psychologist specialized in couple's relationships if you really intend to find a effective, valid, and mutual relationships to your current problem. Although, I also intend to offer my point of view professionally hoping that I can give you a direction and the first possibility regarding your partner that is positive. 

It is not concentrated on your partner, on his way to handle this relationship, or on his inability to accept your past love. It is, instead, it is attentively concentrated on your feelings, on your way of loving and on your feelings that you have for your partner. Don't live with facts like your partner, that in addition makes himself feel bad and pushes away feelings and the feelings that he have for you. The facts, the situations, and the circumstances, including the past are fixed; they will not change. 

In fact, they have disadvantages, like how it is happening to you two, that poisons the love relationship and consequently, the sensibility and empathy for each other that should instead grow and developing with each day. The fact that your partner insist and persist on your past love life can be destructive if we do not define it clearly, much like the absence of self confidence, low self-esteem, and especially the difficulty on focusing on loving you.

I believe that your relationship and your communication is, right now, far from healthy. It seems instead to be in a dangerous loop around each-other's past. It is important to substitute emotions and feelings to the facts and these feelings must be lived and shared in the present.

This is what you should both work for if you want to improve your relationship. Do not talk about facts. Talk about feelings, focus on the emotions, and on your love for each-other. Focus on the present. Rather than your rationality, you should trust your feelings. 

If doing so is going to be difficult, then it is necessary -if you want to keep the relationship alive- that you meet with a professional.

I hope I have been of some help. Good luck.

 

Answer:
Silvano Forcillo, Psychotherapist
Question: 

Maddalena, 33 years old
Publication Date: 03/25/2007

Check out the original article here

 

How Depressed People Think

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Question:

Hi, It is 3 years that I am in a relationship with a man that suffers since about 10 years of depression and anxiety disorder. He is continuously drowning in his guilt feelings, he does not give any importance to himself or to his existence.

He often speaks about suicide, and, according to him, he would like to die. He alternates hyperactivity periods with ones of complete apathy.

Without any explanation or apparent cause, he passes from being extremely happy and joyful to being depressed and wanting to die. Even when he has been cured with drugs the situation did not improve. He feels always bad.

Now, though, this is affecting me too. 

He told me: “you look for happiness and joy, you would not be happy with me, look for someone that is less complicated.”

I did not answer. I took time to think. I would like to understand, and I ask help to you.

Is he asking for help, or he wants to be left alone? How does a depressed person think?

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Simona, it is interesting that you ask about “his” mind, that you want to know “how does a depressed person think”, and you say nothing about yourself.

It is 20 years that I am a psychotherapist and I have to confess you that I do not know. I do not know how does a depressed think, because before to be “depressed”, or “euphoric”, or “paranoid”, or “psychotic”, etc.. we are all human beings, and therefore unique. 

So I do not know what or how does he think, I should meet him to know it. And I do not know how to diagnose his depression either (if it is really depression.) Is it reactive? Does it have biological origins? Is it the “down” of the borderline disorder? Is it caused by something buried deep in the past, or it is an existential crisis? I do not know. If I do not speak to him, if I do not see him, if I do not meet him, I do not know.

You ask if he wants to be left alone or if he is asking for help..I do not know. Maybe both. I am sorry that I cannot be more reassuring in a moment in which you clearly need some certainty, but what I think you should do is to move the “subject” of your sentences from him to you.

What do YOU want to do? How do YOU feel with him? What void does his presence fill and what ghosts does he awake? Why did YOU accepted, during these 3 years, to be with a “depressed” person, since this clearly does not help your self-esteem? To understand what does he think, you should first realize where are you in this situation. You should also ask yourself what do you think not only of him and your relationship, but also of your life and what do YOU want to do with it.

My best wishes.

Answer:

Livia Tedaldi, Psychotherapist

Question:

Simona, 22 years old

Publication date: 11/07/2007

For more informations on the topic, check out the article Is Depression a sickness?

Check out the original article here

What is: Effective Communication

-Library-

A master asked his disciples: 
‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’
The disciples thought for a while, and one of them said
: ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’ 
‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you? ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’ 
The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally he explained: 
‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the master asked:
 ‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

And he concluded: 
‘When they love each other even more, what happens? 
‘ They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.

‘Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’
 
 (Unknown Author)

When I ask you to listen and you start giving me suggestions, you are not doing what I am asking.

When I ask you to listen and you start telling me why I should not feel the way I feel, you are stepping over my sensations. 

When I ask you to listen and you think you have to do something to solve my problems, you disappoint me.

As strange as it can seem…

Maybe that is why prayers work for many. Because God is mute, he does not suggest, he does not try to fix things. Simply, he listens and knows you will solve your things by yourself. So please, hear and listen. And if you wish to speak, wait for your turn and I promise that I will be listening. (L.Buscaglia, La coppia amorosa, Mondadori, 1995)

Anybody who has ever been in a relationship said or heard the sentence “Why you don’t understand me?” This question should be changed into: “How do we build a relationship based on reciprocal understanding?” Realizing what is effective communication is the key to build a better relationship.

To understand does not mean to agree, because it is possible to perfectly understand the other’s point of view, without agreeing with it.

To understand does not mean to give up, on the contrary, the more we can understand and know a person, the more we can be trusted, the easier will be to “sell” our ideas.

But to understand is necessary to be able to listen. We all think we can do that since we are born, but most of us are actually pretty bad at it.

Not be able to listen is the biggest cause of arguments in a couple. During an argument it often happens to not really pay attention to the other’s words, because we are mentally busy preparing an answer.

Active listening means to manifest real interest for what the other person says with words and with non-verbal communication. In Active listening the mind and the body are protruded towards the other, and this allows us to understand the reasons behind a word or an action before to judge or to feel offended or hurt. Basically to listen each other helps to understand each other, and therefore to love each other more.

Author: Roberto Cavaliere, Psychotherapist

For the original post check out here or here