Sexuality: a weird behavior

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Question:

Hi, since a couple of months I have been experiencing a very embarrassing behavior. I cannot look in the eyes the people I talk to. All the time I find myself looking at the pubic area of guys and the breasts of girls. This embarrasses me, and my interlocutor, that usually reacts by giving me weird looks and covering themselves.

Also, it is about two years that I am not in a relationship, and all the times that I happen to meet a guy that I like, I run away, I avoid talking to him or meeting him again.

With all the guys that I am not interested in, I am calm and extroverted.

I will be waiting for your answer, thank you!

Answer:

Dear Ann, the behaviors that you described highlight a dysfunction in your ability to have interpersonal relations. In fact, they seem to point to an ambivalence in your way of living sexuality, and this brings you to a great curiosity and attraction for sexual body-parts, and at the same time it force you to run away from the possibility of having any kind of relationship.

Sexuality is a very important face of life, because besides having a biological goal, it builds a source of physical and psychological well-being. It is important no to underestimate this. Often, fear of sexuality is linked to a fear of intimacy and closeness, also psychological, with the others, that risk to be perceived as aggressors and so as potential enemies.

It is fundamental to understand where this fear comes from, in order to overcome it and be able to get close to the others with spontaneity, and at the same time to feel serene while living sexuality and relationship.

Have good day, and contact me if you have any other question.

Answer:

Manuela Biagi, Psychologist

Question:

Ann, 29 years old

Publication Date: 10/17/2007

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Addiction to VideoGames and Internet

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Question:

Hi, my name is Silvia, and I am 19 years old. My help request is not for me, but for my brother. He is completely addicted to the Internet, especially to Role-playing games and online poker. He studies computer science, but he is not doing well in school, probably because of his addiction. The situation in my family is getting terrible. Since she always sees him with the computer, my mother is getting very worried.

His social relations are zeroed, because even though his friends kept calling him to hang out, after his repeated refusals, they stopped. My mom tries daily to communicate with him; she tried in a calm and serene way, and in a more authoritarian way. Nothing worked out, because he denies that he has a problem.

Unfortunately my parents’ threats are never supported by actions, so they are ignored and absolutely useless.

I read some articles about Internet addiction, and I think that my brother fit the description of the typical addict.

In my (humble) opinion, I think that the biggest problem is that he does not want to admit the addiction, and this prevents him to be able to face it.

I hope you can suggest me something, thank you.

Answer:

Dear Silvia, to begin a therapeutic solution, there are two necessary conditions: your brother must become aware of his problem, and he needs to develop a critical relation with his pain and motivation to change the situation.

This way he would be able to modify the dysfunctional relationships and behaviors, achieving a good self-esteem (which is probably lacking), a good knowledge of himself and of his internal world, a stable relationship with his own emotions, and overall a life’s project.

In Internet-addiction cases, the addict escapes from all these things, he escapes from himself and from others, he basically escapes from reality. Achieving awareness of the problem, as you correctly said, is the main knot: your brother is not yet, from what you wrote, at that point.   

The attraction of videogames and role-playing games is huge. Conflict is useless, as well as threats.

It is important to communicate and to listen, and that is not an easy task. The reasons for your brother’s addiction are not to be searched only in him and his personality, but also in the family history, in his relationship with you all and with others. He evidently did not learn how to face reality and life, and escaped from them hiding in the virtual world. But the virtual world is an illusory hiding place.

He will ask for help when he will realize that his hideout is transparent, and that running away from life is useless and painful.

Get close to him; try to understand what feelings and emotions he gets from playing, why he needs it, what are his thoughts and fears. Family is a dynamic system, what happens to one member inevitably affects the others. You are a family, his in there too, he was there before he decided to be isolated. Meet again, or meet for the first time.

You could use the help of a therapist; he could suggest you strategies to go through the daily life, to all of you, including your brother that needs to be helped finding that awareness that today he does not have.

Good Luck,

Answer:

Rosa Mininno, psychotherapist

Question:

Silvia, 19 years old

Publication Date: 11/02/2012

For articles about Internet Addictions check out also Is Depression a Sickness?

Check out the original article here

Lies and Calumnies

Often times, during our life, there are particular moments that make us feel violated by intrusive looks, by vicious words, by sharp judgments. There are moments in which you can almost touch the hypocrisy of the world.

In those moments, instead of being supportive, others’ presence becomes a ferocious torture.

All this happens we dare, even by a little, to swerve from the flat and colorless conformism of the masses, to follow some other “alternative” path.

Our behavior gets immediately personified, judged, imprisoned in biases, while the dark fog of Lie hugs, disorients, and plagues us.

Maybe, all this “roar” of hostile voices against us is caused by we suddenly became inconvenient in the eyes of those that enjoy the quiet repeating of routines and traditional schemes.

In fact, often, being the living proof that life can be lived under the light of new perspectives, creates a “dissonance” that is emotionally unbearable for those used to preserve rather than to innovate.

To this clash of realities, perceived as a sort of assault, these people react ostracizing the aggressor through calumnies and moral discredit.

Author: Maria Luisa Valenti

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Sexual Performance Anxiety with my lover

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Question:

I am a married man since 15 years, and I have a daughter. My marriage is almost perfect under every aspect, including the sexual one. Since a couple of months I began cheating on my wife.

Sadly, I found out that I have erectile dysfunction when I am with my lover. I have no sicknesses.

What can I do? Please help me without judging. Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Mario, the words “Erectile Dysfunction” are usually related to organic causes, while in your case it seems obvious that the problem is psychological. In fact we are talking of an impotency of emotional-psychological cause. In your situation there is obviously some tension, maybe unconscious, and an inconsistency between a satisfying marriage and an unsatisfying extra-marital relationship.

Negative sexual performances usually, in men, generate a “sexual performance anxiety” that complicates and can even ruin successive attempts. After the first failed performance, it starts an anxiety state that compromise that mental serenity needed to successfully enjoy sex. A failure follows the other, and this increase the anxiety and brings more failures, and so on.

Like in every cases of “sexual performance anxiety”, to avoid entering in this vicious circle, you should avoid frantically looking for reassurances of your good functioning, because this activity inevitably leads to an increased anxiety that feeds the mechanism again.

There is absolutely no judgment in my words, but it seems to me that you are the one that is unconsciously negatively judging what you are doing, and this generates that emotional tension that leads to problematic performances.

A self-analytic reflection could give you the answers that you are really looking for.

Best wishes

Answer:

Roberto Melloni

Question:

Mario, 42 years old

Publication Date: 05/14/2007

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