Do not repeat the same mistakes

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Question:

Hi, I write here to ask something that is related to the creative process of the human mind. I would like to know why we, as human beings, often live multiple times the similar painful situations, and repeat the same mistakes throughout life.

Why in our life situations are repeated over and over? How can we be a bit more creative within our existence, so that we won’t live the same bad situations again?

Answer:

Dear Monica, what you are asking me is very hard to explain. Actually, it is the main reason of why people ask help to psychotherapists. However, to start my explanation, I will give you a definition of neurosis. This term is used to define a stereotypical and rigid way used to react to certain situations that can be related to an internal cognitive process, or to an external stimulus. Clearly, this rigid reaction of our mind can be explained in multiple ways, depending on which theoretical approach we decide to use.

For example, according to psychoanalysis, neurosis is the subconscious conflict of two thoughts, coming from the ego. According to the behavioral approach, neurosis is a learned behavior caused by the environment’s reinforcements (in this case the neurotic reaction will keep existing regardless of its original cause). According to Cognitivism it is a wrong evaluation process etc..

Dear Monica, as you can see we can use multiple ways to interpret this human problematic. Which one is the right one? I believe that there is no best answer, they all have a descriptive value, and they are all usable based on the specific clinical situation.

There is something that can be done on psychophysical level, though. In fact, recent researches on the functions of the human brain (and with this I am talking about the mind as well, since we cannot talk anymore of division between mind and body) are showing us the various processes that take shape. These researches are telling us something also on the experiences of perceptive rigidity, so on what make us repeat our “mistakes” over and over. In synthesis the answer that these researches are giving us is this: the human brain develops rigid reaction ways as a consequence of an excessive cortical activation. In other words, the problem is connected to anxiety.

Dear Monica, at this point I have to tell you what you can do. As a first thing I suggest you to begin to regularly do whatever practice that allows you to lower the psychophysical experience of anxiety. There are many ways: meditation, physical exercise, gardening, relaxation techniques, autohypnosis etc..

If with time you see that the problem did not change, I suggest you to contact a professional to begin, with him, a specific journey tailored on your personal situation.

I hope I have been of help, and I wish you good luck.

Answer:

Paolo Chellini

Question:

Monica, 25 years old

Publication Date: 12/18/2007

Check out the original article here

How Depressed People Think

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Question:

Hi, It is 3 years that I am in a relationship with a man that suffers since about 10 years of depression and anxiety disorder. He is continuously drowning in his guilt feelings, he does not give any importance to himself or to his existence.

He often speaks about suicide, and, according to him, he would like to die. He alternates hyperactivity periods with ones of complete apathy.

Without any explanation or apparent cause, he passes from being extremely happy and joyful to being depressed and wanting to die. Even when he has been cured with drugs the situation did not improve. He feels always bad.

Now, though, this is affecting me too. 

He told me: “you look for happiness and joy, you would not be happy with me, look for someone that is less complicated.”

I did not answer. I took time to think. I would like to understand, and I ask help to you.

Is he asking for help, or he wants to be left alone? How does a depressed person think?

Thank you.

Answer:

Dear Simona, it is interesting that you ask about “his” mind, that you want to know “how does a depressed person think”, and you say nothing about yourself.

It is 20 years that I am a psychotherapist and I have to confess you that I do not know. I do not know how does a depressed think, because before to be “depressed”, or “euphoric”, or “paranoid”, or “psychotic”, etc.. we are all human beings, and therefore unique. 

So I do not know what or how does he think, I should meet him to know it. And I do not know how to diagnose his depression either (if it is really depression.) Is it reactive? Does it have biological origins? Is it the “down” of the borderline disorder? Is it caused by something buried deep in the past, or it is an existential crisis? I do not know. If I do not speak to him, if I do not see him, if I do not meet him, I do not know.

You ask if he wants to be left alone or if he is asking for help..I do not know. Maybe both. I am sorry that I cannot be more reassuring in a moment in which you clearly need some certainty, but what I think you should do is to move the “subject” of your sentences from him to you.

What do YOU want to do? How do YOU feel with him? What void does his presence fill and what ghosts does he awake? Why did YOU accepted, during these 3 years, to be with a “depressed” person, since this clearly does not help your self-esteem? To understand what does he think, you should first realize where are you in this situation. You should also ask yourself what do you think not only of him and your relationship, but also of your life and what do YOU want to do with it.

My best wishes.

Answer:

Livia Tedaldi, Psychotherapist

Question:

Simona, 22 years old

Publication date: 11/07/2007

For more informations on the topic, check out the article Is Depression a sickness?

Check out the original article here

Emotional Addiction

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Question: 

Can someone suffer of affective and sexual addiction? I decided to begin a psychotherapy for this reason. Maybe it is linked to something in my past, but sure is that I get excessively bound to the women I fall in love with. All my interests disappear, my life becomes unimportant, I constantly look for confirms that she is love with me too, I even try to control her, all my thoughts are for her, until she abandons me, and I am left alone and desperate.

I would like to understand what pushes me to make the person I am in love with responsible for my happiness to the point that I cease to exist.

I realized that the more I grow older and the worse the situation becomes. Every time I suffer more.

In this moment I am desperate, I am fighting with myself, because I am involved in a relationship with a person that is emotionally unstable, and this relationship is killing me. Every time she pushes me away for a reason or another, I start feeling anxious, depressed, frustrated, and paranoid.

My sex drive with her is almost obsessive, I believe that this is because I have low self-esteem and I am always looking for a confirmation that she wants me too.

Also, I am beginning to think that for me, to love her is so much a necessary for my mental stability, that we are not talk about love anymore, it is more like a drug, or worse.

Today I called a psychotherapist and I will begin meeting with him soon. I really hope that this therapy will bring “myself” out, I want to look for happiness within myself, but I really do not know where to start!

Answer:

Dear Paolo,

I think you took the right decision. In fact, only a therapy can untie the knot of feelings in which you are stuck. There are personalities that need other's recognition of their value in order to feel confident and good. As you rightly hypothesized, these are problems that begin in the far past, usually during infancy. 

I understand the torments that you must be facing right now, especially if your girlfriend is, as you said, emotionally unstable, and she does not give you that required security that you need to feel calm and relaxed.

But you understood that it cannot go on like this for your whole life.

I will repeat myself and say it again: you made the right choice in beginning the therapy, and do not worry if you will feel “addicted” to the therapist, that is normal and transitory for personalities such as yours, and it is something that is functional to the achievement of real independence.

Best wishes.

Answer:

Gianna Porri, Psychotherapist

Question:

Paolo, 31 years old

Publication Date: 01/26/2006

Check out the original article here

Social Anxiety: Sweating, Suffocating and Panic Attacks

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Question:

Dear Doctors,

I am writing to you because my social life has been changing recently. In fact, I tend to go out much less now because doing so gives me a lot of physical and mental discomfort. My problem is related to sweating and to strong and bad odor; the problem, I think, instead is not only linked psychologically but more importantly to my ability to respire.

For example, if I find myself in crowded and somewhat heated places, I suffer like a dog; I become paranoid when I feel like I am suffocating and try to avoid places with a possibility of sweating. I would like to know if a septum deviation can solve anything, including palpitation. Thank You.

Answer:

Dear Francesca,

The fact that you asked this question to someone who is specialized in psychology related science brings me to think that there is something inside you that is pushing you to think that there are some psychological component to the problems that you are describing, not only physical.

Surely I do not exclude the importance to put into consideration the problems that are physical and can have a negative impact on your problem, but wait before considering seeing a specialist doctor; as a psychologist, I pay much more attention only the perception that you have on these physical characteristics and the amount of pain it cause you more than the sweating and the bad odor itself. A high pain can become something that can slowly hinder your social relations even more.

I think at the bottom of all this there is an anxiety component that is more or less known and limiting you particularly; connecting it to your social situations, it manifests through your fear of “having something wrong” that the others can tell. Following this hypothesis it can also be considered the palpitation that you’ve quickly mentioned as a very important element to understand your situation better.

Referring back to your question, I have to confirm how much I believe breathing to be the most important element to take in consideration, and to improve on. For example, beginning from techniques that are specific and goal-oriented, with the help of an expert, a path can be found to help you overcome in the best way possible the problems that you’ve said. To conclude this, what I really want to tell you in all honesty is that you must develop more trust and hope within yourself, because the consequence can be seen in these problems.

Wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer:

Manuele Matera, Psychologist

Question:

Francesca, 27 years old

Publication Date: 03/23/2007

For other posts related to Social Anxiety check out Fear of judgment

Check out the original article here