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Question:
Dear Doctors,
I hope to learn whether or not you
can help me with my problems with your suggestions. I am 38 years old
and legally separated from my husband for 6 months after only 3 years
of marriage without any kids. We have been engaged very happily and
without any abuses for 12 years. My husband, according to him and
everyone else, is devoted to me and adores me. Me on the other hand,
even when loving him, have always been more cold and rational, a
trait that links back to my family. Imagine that I’ve married after
2 years that he’s asked me and I’ve was even stalling on the
decision to have kids regardless of his initial requests. But when
I’ve decided to follow his request, we were separated. We’ve
never lived together because he works and lives in a different city
from where I work. To be honest, I never even joined him during the
summer because knowing him, who is devoted to work, would not listen
to me. On the other hand, this is why we don’t stay good together
but he doesn’t say it to me because some things are not meant to be
said…
After the death of a co-worker who
did the same job, He became worse and absorbed himself completely in
work. Because of this, I began to complain every time we see each
other and stopped giving him serenity because he is tide between work
and me. After 2 months, during yet another one of my complaints, he
told me that he is not sure that he wants to stay with me anymore
because his 2 great passions, his job and I, clashed together and he
is not able to re-conciliate it anymore. In addition, he has suffered
a lot being alone for such a long time; but he is used to it and
enjoys staying this way. Thus, having understood that he finds it
difficult to live together as a couple, something inside him broke
and his life is ruined because you only love once in your life. He
also constantly reminds me that I’ve never understood any of his
problems when he is always aware of mines and my anxiety (I was
suffering constantly from anxiety and panic attacks). I’m almost
sure that he does not have and he’s never had another woman even
now. After a week, with my anguish and his (he was vomiting), He
decided to leave me and he asked me immediately for separation
because he wanted to closed this chapter of his life instantly and he
doesn’t want to turn back. We haven’t heard from each other for 4
months (I learned in the meanwhile that he completed a job that is
very dangerous) and after one of my letters, a bit before the
separation, we saw each other for the first time and he showed me his
more fragile side like before. The day before the separation he
wanted to see me, and he told me that he loved staying with me, and
that he doesn’t want to risk his life for work anymore and that
decision of the day after does not need to be so defined. And he told
me the same thing again the day of.
We started seeing each other again
after that. Not even a month after, once I learn that he is moving to
a city further away, he asked me to follow him definitely once the
school year is finished (I am a teacher). He also asked me to be a
little bit more patient because he feels very fragile and he wanted
to go on with care for the fear of suffering again. I went with him.
He introduced me to all of his new colleague as his wife, and he
called two friends to announced that we are pretty much getting back
together. After a month and a half, I felt him distant from me again
and then he told me that it is better for me not to follow him
because he doesn’t want to move too fast. He is not putting his
hands up in defense but only to show me that he is not an unconscious
psycho, and that he has a great respect for me, and that he loves me.
But he doesn’t want to suffer anymore and if we get back together
it has to be for the whole life. He confessed that he is depressed,
works too much (day and night) in order to not have to think, to not
be so stressed because now, different from before, he likes his job a
lot and he’s reached an equilibrium that he did not have before. He
also added that when he is angry, he needs to be left alone, more now
because he’s never been in this situation before. But anyways, if
we are separated in the future, it is not my fault. He became
aggressive, egotistic, self-fish, intolerant, nervous, he pride
himself for his work, and he does nothing besides talking about his
work in an obsessive way. Where is the sweet, patient, and
understanding boy that I knew for 14 years?
We talk every day but we rarely see
each other. Only after the separation that I understand how much I
love him (I never told him), I admit my guilt and I can’t excuse
myself even though he told me that he also committed the greater
errors but the problem lies within us both. I don’t know what to
do, how to help him if he doesn’t want external help. I don’t
want to end our story and want to clarify if it is a problem of
feelings or something more complex. Thanks for your advises, I really
do need them.
Answer:
Dear Cati,
The thing that is most obvious from
what you wrote is the difficulty that you both have in living in a
real relationship. Your relationship seems to always have been a
“chasing game” (When one runs away, the other chases and vice
versa). This kind of conflict is usually caused by the combination of
the need to have a relationship and the fear to have one. The causes
of this subconscious behavior can be found in the past of each
individual. Generally, every person is afraid to completely let
him/her self go for the fear of appearing naked in front of others
and becoming too vulnerable. There are some family situation and
personal experiences that make certain individuals more fragile and
scared of being committed. In these cases, problems like yours
happen; always chasing and looking for something but never able to
reach it. It’s hard if not impossible to be able to come out
without outside help. It is like trying to help someone out of a well
while being inside the well yourself. It’s necessary to find a
third person that throws a rope. If your husband doesn’t want to
see psychotherapeutic help, you can start it and it will benefit you
both.
Answer:
Lara Scarsella, Psychotherapist
Question:
Cati, 38 years old
Publication Date: 10/02/2008
Check out the original article here
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