A workaholism problem

-Ask the Expert-

Question:

Hi, I just found out about work addiction. I realized that I am unable to stop working after the end of my word-day. I always go around with work folders to complete, even at home. I am unable to just sit down and chill without doing anything, I am always busy doing something for someone else, and always frustrated, because I do not receive the expected gratifications.

So, after my 3-weeks vacation, I am filled with projects about leaving my job soon, and after a week I already find it impossible, I am already full of stuff to do for other people. I never ask for more work, but I am unable to refuse it when offered. Where can I find the resources to stop this habit? My three weeks of vacations were spent taking care of my problematic intestine, that I did not know have so many problems.

Thank You.

Answer:

Dear Adriana, first of all, well done. Well done for taking care of yourself by writing this message. It is a good start to open doors to hope, those doors that you close all the time you accept other people's work. You say that you do not ask for these additional work (are you sure?), and you say that you do not refuse it (are you sure?).

What actually happens is that you, without realizing it, ask for it, and then refuse it. You ask them, to be busy with something and forget about yourself.

Do you know why you want to forget about yourself? Because you feel “unable”. Unable to sit down and relax, unable to leave your job...

To cover this idea that you have about yourself, you feel forced to show others (and sadly not yourself) that you are able. So you accept more work than necessary, postponing and accumulating in your intestine your real needs.

You say that you are always frustrated because you do not receive the expected gratifications: but this is the obvious consequence for who does not look at his/her own needs and waits, like a child, to be gratified by others.

The real gratification comes from being able to see, recognize, and give space to your own needs. It is obvious, and maybe even fair, that it was your intestine that took those 3 weeks of vacation. Your intestine did not block you, it just invited you to take care of your body.

Sadly it was not fully listened to, like you, most likely, were not fully listened to by your mother when you were a child. Your intestine was not understood in its somatic language, that is not the one of work-folders or of co-workers' job.

What do you say about leave to the others their duties, and to begin to take care of your own?

Where to find the resources? Maybe you can start say NO more often to others, and say YES more often to yourself, to your intestine, to your body, and -why not?- to your rage and emotions.

You have the resources, but you used them all for others and do not leave any for yourself. The equilibrium between yes and no should always be even.

Since you like to take care of other people's needs, why do not you take care of the need of the “other Adriana”? Open the doors of hope and gratification to yourself, or the risk is that next summer 3 weeks will not be enough.

Good luck, and feel free to contact me if advice is needed.

Answer:

Giuseppe Luigi Esposito, Psychotherapist

Question:

Adriana, 55 years old

Publication Date: 09/19/2009

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